But all was not lost! Whilst the new Premier League teams shared the wealth, West Ham had the reformed Anglo-Italian Cup to look forward to. The cup had been played previously some twenty years before (although in the 1980′s it was a competition for non league teams) but for some reason the FA felt that having the FA Cup, League Cup and 46 League fixtures wasn’t enough. In previous seasons there had been the Full Members Cup (aka Simod and the Zenith Data Systems cup) but the Premier League clubs had stated they had no interest in that, so it was consigned to the scrap heap, and thus it was decided the second tier clubs needed a new distraction. So someone, somewhere came up with the crazy idea of a revamped Anglo-Italian Cup.

The first round saw the 24 First Division teams divided into eight groups of three. Everyone played one game at home and one away. The attendances in some of these games were poor to say the least. West Ham kicked off their campaign with a home tie to Bristol Rovers in September 1992. With Spurs almost filling White Hart Lane against Sheffield United, and a full house at Loftus Road for the visit of the Gunners, just 4,809 turned up at Upton Park – a Post War record low attendance. The 2-2 draw, with two goals from Julian Dicks helped neither side. Rovers then beat Southend United 3-0 meaning West Ham had to go to Roots Hall to win by four clear goals. They didn’t although the 3-0 meant a frantic call to the FA to determine what happened next. Despite leaps and bounds in technology it was down to a good old fashion coin toss in the referee’s changing room. Alvin Martin called “Tails” and West Ham were through. West Ham would be playing in Europe for the first time in ten years.

The draw was made in early October although the format was, to say the least confusing. Each English team would play four Italian sides, but they would be competing in a league of four English teams. So West Ham’s results against Cremonese, Reggiana, Cosenza and Pisa would be pitted against Derby County’s, Tranmere Rovers and Bristol City’s against the same four Italians. That meant in theory West Ham could possibly win all four games yet still finish bottom of the group if the other English teams had better goal difference.

Game one for the Hammers was away to Cremonese in November. Situated on the left bank of the Po river in Lombardy, Cremona is a town of beauty. Unfortunately it was an x-rate performance that saw the Italians come out as 2-0 winners in front of a paltry 1,600 fans. Nearly 200 West Ham fans arrived 10 minutes after kick off, having made the 26 hour journey by coach and joined a further 500 already in the Stadio Giovanni Zini. The Italian’s seemed hell-bent on assaulting Julian Dicks at all costs although he remained calm under pressure. The two nil victory for the Italians was too surprising as they had come into the game undefeated in the league prior to the game.

Game two was a home tie with AC Regiana from Emilia-Romagna. With the rain pouring down in East London and with the club retaining ticket prices on the high side for such a “prestigious” European tie, only 6,700 came to Upton Park to see West Ham win two-nil thanks to a brace from Clive Allen. However, the game was best remembered for the sending off of Trevor Morley for an off the ball incident. It was interesting to note that the games played in England featured Italian officials who seemed to be more lenient to their fellow countrymen to say the least. On the flip side, English referees went to Italy to referee games there.

If West Ham felt that the Italians in Cremonese hadn’t been interested in the competition, then the trip two weeks later to Cosenza in the south of Italy proved it beyond doubt. Only 800 fans turned up for the game in the Stadio San Vito, of which 250 had made the ridiculous long journey to the game from London. Most arrived during the afternoon of the game to be met with a huge storm and the pitch flooded. English referee Michael Gilkes initially postponed the game but faced with the “larger than life” West Ham fans outside the ground, agreed to re-assess later in the evening, by which time the water had been cleared.

Nothing had changed on the pitch though in terms of discipline. A memo had apparently been sent to all clubs involved in the competition to warm them to behave but it obviously wasn’t translated into Italian as they tried, but failed to intimidate the likes of Martin “Mad dog” Allen, Julian “Terminator” Dicks and “Chicken” George Parris. Hardly men you would want to pick a fight with.

The game was decided by another Clive Allen effort, this time a spectacular effort from some distance. The win gave West Ham a chance at progressing to the semi-finals but they needed a win in the final game, at home to Pisa.

Again the Hammers fans were hardly inspired to come and watch with only 7,100 paying to watch the game (although this was double the average attendance for this round) which will again be remembered for the trouble on the pitch rather than the skill. The game was essentially a dead rubber, with Cremonese already assured a semi-final place from the Italian side, and Derby County’s superior goal difference meaning the Hammers needed to win by five or six. However, try telling that to the Italian’s who again tried to kick West Ham off the park. Matthew Rush, the young West Ham midfielder became the ninth English player to be sent off at this stage of the tournament, joining Pisa’s Giovani Fasce (also the ninth Italian) for an incident in the second half.

Brentford and Derby County competed for the English place in the final, battling out a 5-5 draw with the Rams going through on away goals. In Italy it also went to form, with Cremonese easily overcoming Bari to set up the final, played at Wembley Stadium. The stadium was barely a third full for the final in March, with only a dozen or so Italians bothering to attend to see their side win 3-1. The following season West Ham found themselves in the Premier League and their opportunity to conquer England lost for another few years.

The tournament ran for a few more years, giving clubs such as Luton Town, Southend United, Port Vale and Charlton Athletic a very rare chance to play in Europe. English clubs didn’t fare very well with only Notts County emerging as winners of the tournament in its four year re-birth. The last winners were Genoa, beating Port Value 5-2 in 1996 before the tournament was once again consigned to the great trophy room in the sky along with the likes of the Leyland DAF Trophy, The Screen Sports Super Cup and the Watney Trophy.

Postscript: After a plea on Twitter, Danny Last has vowed to never stop until he gets the tournament re-instated.  As a Brighton & Hove Albion fan he quite fancies a trip to the likes of Vicenza and Verona.  Stay tuned to see how he gets on.

To me nothing sums up life in a Northern Town than watching football in Barnsley. The name itself has to be uttered with a Yorkshire tint in your voice and you cannot leave the town without sampling some Northern hospitality. It is smack bang in the middle of Yorkshire, and fiercely proud of its traditions.

The town is not just famous for being the birth place of England’s finest umpire (Bird), finest chat show host (Parkinson) and er, the second Englishman to manage the Republic of Ireland (McCarthy). It is the scene of one of the most iconic British films of all time – Kes. The youth of today have missed out on a rite of passage by not being made to watch this classic film in school. I can still remember those lessons near the end of term when the TV/Video trolley would be wheeled in and the teacher would make a big song a dance about the mystery of what was about to be shown (invariably it would be a double maths or english lesson so that they could make up our school reports and thus get down the pub at 3.30pm on the final day of term). It was always Kes though (although once or twice it was Woody Allen’s The Sleeper but only once we were all 16 and could be exposed to the “Orgasmatron”).

And there is only one scene that you need to know from that film. Brian Glover’s football match…

And from one football mastermind to another….Sam Allardyce. “At times this season we have played like Swansea“…That is quite a quote for any manager to compare their team’s play to the free-flowing attacking style of the Premier League newboys, but to come from Sam Allardyce it takes some believing. When certain fans publicly questioned his comments, he apparently said “All fans talk bollocks”.  Nothing like making yourself popular then Sam. Quite when we have played with the ball on the ground is a mystery to West Ham fans across the planet. Frankly, some of the recent home performances against the likes of Doncaster Rovers, Crystal Palace and Middlesborough have been classic displays of “Big Sam”. Despite the club having six forwards on the books, goals have been hard to come by, probably because the ball is hoofed up the pitch to players who cannot control it. Last Saturday in the game that was hyped as the “promotion showdown” West Ham lost 4-2 at home to Reading. Sam’s veiled comments this week have suggested that it has been the negative reaction of the fans rather than his tactics that has led to the poor home form. Tactical genius or what? In the four games we have played against the top two this season the Hammers have taken just one point.

But it has been the form on the road that has still given hope that an immediate return to the land of milk and honey was possible. Impressive wins on the road against teams around the play offs such as Cardiff City, Blackpool, Hull City and MIddlesborough had been tempered with the lack lustre home form that had seen just one win in the last seven at Upton Park. But here was a chance to get the show back on the road with a trip up the M1 to Barnsley.

Barnsley are a second tier team. Nobody can ever argue with this fact. They have played over 1,000 games at this level, more than any other club. In their 105 year history they have spent 74 seasons in the “second” division. They have gone down more than they have gone up, but for one season they dined at the top table of English football. Back on the 9th August 1997 they walked out at Oakwell to make their Premier League debuts against…West Ham United. After their opening forty five minutes of Premier League action they were 1-0 up thanks to a goal from Neil Redfern in the 9th minute. But West Ham bounced back with goals from John Hartson and Frank Lampard in front of 19,000 fans.

Barnsley’s top flight life was to be short lived. Heavy defeats to Arsenal (5-0), Chelsea (6-0) and Manchester United (7-0) underlined how difficult it was at the top level, although they did win away at Anfield when beating Liverpool actually meant something. Relegation was confirmed in April although they were ninety minutes away from a return in 2000 when they lost 4-2 to Ipswich Town in the Play Off final. Since then, it has mostly been life in the Championship.

Since then many managers have come and many have gone (ten in fact) trying to bring the dream back. This season it has been simply a “Barnsley” season. Almost safe already from relegation but no chance of a play off spot, they lost top scorer Ricardo Vaz Tê to West Ham in January and consequently the goals have dried up.

This was going to be my second game of the day – A Championship filling around my Rugby League sandwich. After heading across from supporting the London Skolars at Doncaster I would be heading straight after this down the lanes of South Yorkshire to Wakefield for their local derby against Castleford. But for now I was settled in the East Stand Upper Tier, ready (hopefully) to see the West Ham on the road form (although the last time I said that we then lost to Derby County).

Barnsley 0 West Ham 4 – Oakwell – Friday 6th April 2012
Will the real West Ham please stand up? It is almost impossible to know which West Ham will turn up on a weekly basis, but after 35 minutes of this game it was obvious that the team who still believe they can gain automatic promotion had put their big headphones on and got on the bus up the M1.  This was possibly one of the easiest games West Ham had faced this season, being rarely challenged by a team who are woefully short of goals and confidence.

The game was only six minutes old before Nolan gave West Ham the lead.  The home players, manager and fans claimed the West Ham captain was offside when he tapped home a Taylor corner (see what you think to the left).  The perfect start.

One of the major issues that the West Ham fans have levelled at Allardyce this season is his constant tinkering with the starting XI.  Whilst this was true for this game, the move of playing a midfield three of O’Neill, Nolan and Noble was simply stifling the life out of a Barnsley team very early in the game.  The ball was often played to the feet of both Vaz Tê and Nicky Maynard and it was the centre forward who doubled the Hammers lead in the 22nd minute when nobody failed to close Maynard down and he was allowed to run, and run and run before shooting low into the corner of the net. “We play on the floor, we play on the floor.  We are West Ham, we play on the floor”.

Just over ten minutes later and the game is over.  Barnsley’s keeper Button goes walkabout and despite beating Nicky Maynard with some fancy footwork his clearance goes straight to Mark Noble and he lobs the ball back into an empty net from the corner of the area with a fantastic strike.  ”We talk bollocks, we talk bollocks, we are West Ham, we talk bollocks”.

The referee brought an end to the torment and the fans reminded Allardyce again about the fact they talked bollocks but he didn’t even acknowledge them.  He is a big man, after all.

The second half starts with the Yorkshire rain falling on my head in the (exposed) East Stand.  I am told by the Fullers back at Northern HQ that BBC keep giving me a close up, and every time I appear to be on my iPhone. In truth I am struggling for some words to describe some of the excellent passing (on the floor and to feet) that the Hammers are displaying.  A fourth is never far away and in the 54th minute former home favourite Vaz Tê gets the goal that his performance deserves when he clinically finished from close range after the keeper can only parry a shot.  Three minutes later it could have been five when Maynard’s shot from distance hits the bar and bounces back into play.

The fourth goal starts a congo in the West Ham end.  Soon the line is a couple of hundred strong and with no room left to conga the stewards are forced to break up the fun.  ”We dance when we want, we dance when we want.  We are West Ham, we will dance when we want”.  Not to be left out the Barnsley fans start their own at the far end and gain a large round of applause from the Hammers.

The West Ham substitutions take the sting out of the game and it winds down slowly.  With five minutes left it appears as if there has been a fire drill as few home fans are still in the ground. When in Rome and all that so I made my way out and back on the road for the Long Good Friday part 3.

After Reading’s win earlier in the day, West Ham answered their critics with a display of patience passing football.  There can be few onlookers who can argue that this wasn’t a vintage West Ham performance – perhaps the fans were right all along, eh Sam?

People who buy these deals (and can jump through the respective hoops to actually use the voucher) do so because they are being offered something at a bargain price. They are rarely for things that you would normally pay full price for – hence why the retailers turn to GroupOn to fill capacity. Deals such as hotel breaks for 50% off (or more) become good deals, but few, if any, people would think that the deal/hotel was that good that they would return and pay full price. That is the fundamental issue with the whole concept. GroupOn (and other sites such as LivingSocial.com) are great for a one-off, but building loyalty is another issue.

I am used to seeing Fulham and Crystal Palace appearing on my GroupOn offers timeline. £10 tickets for Palace on a Friday night (“limit: 100 per person”) have made me smirk in the past. Few, if any people would take up the offer and return for future games paying full price (otherwise why wouldn’t they have bought for this game?). I would have thought that there are other ways to market tickets to niche sectors without having to resource to such drastic price cutting measures.

But today I was very surprised. West Ham were the “deal of the day” and before anyone says it, yes it was a slow new offer day. Tickets for West Ham v Watford (7th March 2012) were £40 for two (and £60 for 3, £80 for 4). As if that wasn’t enough to entice you in, the highlights included the fact it was “Close to Upton Park tube”. I am aware of the offers the club has been involved with so far in 2012 – discounted tickets for buying pizza in Dartford and leaflet drops in Charlton Athletic and Millwall supporter areas to name just two. But is this the right move for the club? And what are the issues of going down this route? To me it is three-fold.

1. The impact on the fans – Tickets for this fixture went on sale to Members back in December starting from £32. As with the game against Nottingham Forest where significant last-minute marketing was carried out to “boost” attendance, it wasn’t directed at the membership database. So one of the perks of membership is the ability to purchase tickets in advance of the general sale. It used to be the case that members also got a discount, but that privilege was removed last season. For this game (as it was for the game v Forest), members will have been penalised for buying early – a somewhat lopsided business model in terms of yield management.  The impact on members in future is that they may delay buying their tickets because there could be offers like this.  The impact of this for the club is that cashflow is delayed, meaning potential short-term pain.

2. The impact on the future – West Ham, under Sullivan/Gold/Brady, have become a club with grand ambitions. There is nothing wrong with that. You do not want your team to be content with just being also-ran all of the time. The whole Olympic Stadium debate was always (and still is) about them and their image, not the fans. In fact the fans have never been properly asked if they want to move. There has always been an assumption it was a given. Perhaps the original motives were simply to stop Spurs getting it, but I have never been able to understand the logic that says a club with a core support base of 35,000 need to move to a 60,000 stadium, let alone one where every seat offers a worse position than Upton Park. This is underlined by the fact the club is needing to resort to using GroupOn to sell tickets to fill the stadium. If you look at attendances this season you will see some near capacity crowd – such as Barnsley and Burnley or the game on Saturday against Crystal Palace, where as games where full price ticketing has been held up such as Leeds United, Ipswich Town or Portsmouth have averages down by 7,000 on capacity. Is it any coincidence that the games were attendances have been high have also had special promotions in terms of ticket prices? Kids for £1, kids go free, family tickets for four for less than £50.

This season the average attendance at Upton Park is 29,446, the biggest in the division.  Last season it was 4,000 higher in the Premier League.  Sure, there is the argument that away support is smaller, demand for the Championship product is less than the Premier League, and the police have played a part in limiting away attendees for the games versus Cardiff City and Millwall, but actually do clubs like Burnley, Coventry City or Bristol City bring less fans than Wigan Athletic, Bolton Wanderers and Fulham? This means one of two things – either the average price is too expensive for the product on offer, or the core fan base is dropping.

The second point is an interesting one. Discounts for kids are a great idea. West Ham should be applauded for the continued use of this tactic which they were one of the first clubs to introduce over a decade ago. But the issue is they tend to be the exception rather than the norm. Other games (such as the one versus Coventry City) have seen kids tickets rise to £19, the consequence being crowds dropping to around the 25,000 mark.  Charlton Athletic frequently give tickets away to local schools – in an age where football clubs are trying to become the centre of the community what better way for the club to boost its image than encouraging locals to come to games.  West Ham are one of the biggest employers in Tower Hamlets, which is one of the poorest regions in England.  The vast percentage of West Ham’s supporter base is from outside of their local area – what better way to engage with them.  Interestingly enough these “new fans” would be more likely to return to the club simply based on the proximity of the club.

Finally, it is worth noting that as a member (and also having a lapsed membership on my email address) the club hasn’t marketed to me about the deal – surely a starting point from their database is fans who have bought tickets this season but haven’t for this particular game?  Isn’t that marketing 101?

3. The impact on the club – When you use GroupOn, only 50% of the revenue is pocketed by the “retailer” (the rest is kept by GroupOn).  So a £20 ticket will see only £10 reach West Ham.  Yet the club has an “active” Social Media strategy right?  Nearly 40,000 followers on Twitter and a Facebook page with thousands of “likes” is surely a good place to start with these offers if they are going to do it.  That way the club will at least keep the full wallet.  Why is this important?  Because I want the club to get whatever money I pay for my ticket, which I hope they will re-invest in the infrastructure or the team.  I do not want to see that cash go to an US company.  As I mentioned above, I would rather the club invested into the local community, local schools, local groups where there is an opportunity to build a strategy for encouraging new fans.

So on one hand I should applaud the club for trying something new and embracing a social media channel to market.  But it cannot be denied that their continued use of shotgun style marketing offers is antagonising the existing fan base.  Perhaps the plan is to build up this new base in preparation for the move to Stratford.  However, in a recent interview with political blogger and avid West Ham fan, Ian Dale, David Sullivan has started to question whether a move to the stadium and sharing it with other codes is actually a good more for the club (read the whole interview here). So for now I hope that those GroupOn purchasers enjoy their night out at Upton Park and I hope they come back, but somehow, like the vast majority of all GroupOn deals, it will be just for the night.

I think that any West Ham fan would recognise that the club should have never ever EVER appointed Avram Grant last season. I do not believe that even an averagely competent manager would have got the Hammers in the same poor position. Quite why they chose not to fire him last Christmas is another matter, again failing to take the right course of action ultimately led to the club being relegated. So instead of swimming comfortably in the poorest Premier League we have ever seen, West Ham are huffing and puffing their way in a Championship made up of eighteen former Premier League sides, all of whom seem to be living on the seat of their pants. West Ham’s main issue this season has been the relative lack of goals. Summer “big name” signings Kevin Nolan and Jon Carew had not set the Boleyn Ground alight yet with their promised goals, leaving it to Carlton Cole to become top scorer with few contributions from elsewhere on the pitch. A return of seven goals from ten starts is impressive – a rate that would see him score 32 if he started every game, but we know that is never going to happen.

Despite a couple of opportunities, West Ham still had not topped the table this season. Southampton had proved beatable and when they dropped points, so did the Hammers. Coming into the last game of 2011, thanks to the Saints surprise home defeat to Bristol City, this was another chance to top the pile. Physiologically going into the New Year on top of the table could be as beneficial to the Hammers as damaging it would be to the Saints. However, needing to win by seven goals was going to be a tad difficult, even though we are managed by a man who just 18 months ago claimed he could manage Real Madrid.

The Christmas fixture computer hadn’t been kind to West Ham this season. Birmingham City away on Boxing Day, Derby County away on New Year’s Eve. What happened to the traditional London derbies over the festive period? Crystal Palace, Watford, Brighton, Reading, Ipswich, Portsmouth? All surely better for the travelling fans than a second 250 plus mile round trip in a week? No, stop it Stuart. You are bringing sense into the argument, and we all know that Football authorities and sense do not belong together.

So why was I breaking my away duck of the season on New Year’s Eve? Well I was in the East Midlands to visit my In-laws, specifically Northern Steve to welcome in 2012. And there is one thing that Northern Steve loves more than anything and that is a pie with gravy. Oh, and West Ham. So with Derby almost on the doorstep (everywhere up north is on the doorstep) he agreed to buy the pies and I procured some tickets. But it would be the same if there wasn’t some way for football clubs to spread Christmas cheer. For those who don’t like a rant, look away now.

Football clubs really know how to treat fans don’t they. They play on the blind loyalties we all have, becoming more audacious in their treatment of fans and how much money they can extract out of us. I had forgotten exactly how much tickets were for games like this but as soon as I had agreed to buy the tickets I had a rude awakening. Two adult tickets and two kids tickets came to a total of £108 before the obvious booking fee, admin fee and postage fee were added. Two days later the tickets arrived. In the envelope was a flyer for a special offer – A Family package for the game v West Ham for just £51..two adults and two children. Thanks for that.

I had been many-a-year since I came to Pride Park last. In fact the last time was for a West Ham game when the paint on the new stadium was barely dry, with Derby County winning two nil thanks to goals from Dean Sturridge, uncle of Chelsea’s rising star Daniel. Also on show on that December afternoon was Frank Lampard and Rio Ferdinand, reminding us all of the team we could have had if it wouldn’t have been for some disastrous off the field mismanagement. Since that game back in 1997 West Ham had played the Rams sixteen times and losing only once. So previous was on the side of the Hammers, especially with the memory of the 3-1 win at Upton Park just a month ago. Oh how it has changed as we parked in one of the empty business parks close to the ground. Pride Park has gone all posh. It has it’s own Greggs the Bakers now, and a Starbucks, and I even detected the sign of some free wireless (“dcfcFANS” if you are ever in need). And the crowning moment was seeing the Derby County Official Car in operation. Such was my amazement at the sight that we headed into the ground at 1.01pm.

Derby’s situation must be a frustration to their loyal fans. Playing in a fine stadium, in front of crowds that put the likes of Wigan, Fulham, Bolton and Blackburn Rovers to shame, with a highly rated young manager they always seem to be on contradicting runs. One minute they are red-hot, beating all-comers such as at the start of this season when they won six of their first ten games before then losing all six games in November. Last week’s home win against Leeds United was only their third win in the league since September.

However, whilst other clubs would be putting their manager under the spotlight, Nigel Clough is spoken of in revered terms in the city, thanks to the achievements of his father, who brought the First Division Championship to the unfashionable club back in 1972. Whilst he went on to manage big rivals Nottingham Forest, and bring incredible success which was looked on with envious eyes by the people of Derby, his achievements have never been forgotten.

Derby County 2 West Ham United 1 – Pride Park – Saturday 31st December 2011
But any temporary frustration was lost as we took our seats in the Upper West Stand. As I was reading in disbelief the news that Allardyce had put five forwards on the bench (and no one else) Callum Bell curled the ball from the edge of the box around Robert Green and into the corner of the net. The clock in the corner had just ticked onto 1.02pm. Hardly the best of starts.

Derby seemed to want it more in the opening phases and when another dangerous cross was played into the area, Paul Green stooped to head past his namesake in the Hammers goal. Two nil after nine minutes. If we left now we could still make the kick off at Met Police v Lewes!

The West Ham fans, around 3,000, which considering the date and location of the game was a magnificent effort, started to get into voice. Most clubs would die for an iconic song like Bubbles, but the Derby fans felt it was the “only song” they had. That was followed up by “Is that all you bring away?”…Hello…this is from a team where there is a 10,000 difference between their lowest and highest attendances this season and who brought no more than 1,200 to the corresponding fixture at Upton Park just a few weeks ago. Football fans and reason have never made good bed partners either.

The Hammers back line looked shaky. Winston Reid passed the ball back to Green whenever and wherever he received it, including when he was 10 yards inside the Derby half. Lansbury, yet to fulfil any sign of his promise that Wenger thinks he has seemed to retreat every time the ball came near him, and Piquionne upfront could’ve gone on a bacon roll run to Greggs for all the good he was doing. One bright note was the confidence of Dan Potts at left back. Potts is only 17 years old and is the son of West Ham legend Steve Potts. I am one of the 23,000 in the world who can lay claim to saying “I was there when Potts scored”…399 appearances for the Hammers in a career that spanned 17 years and he scored just one goal – October 1990 against Hull City when he scuffed/deflected shot from 30 yards somehow eluded the Tigers keeper.

As the half wore on, West Ham became more forceful and Fielding was forced to make saves from Nouble and Noble (Confusing I know). Just before the break it was 2-1 as the posh Noble (Nouble) smashed home a lose ball in the box. Half time – time for a pie and a cup of tea.

I opted for the Meat and Potato variety. I scanned the packaging to see what meat it was. No clue there. So I asked the lady behind the counter. She looked shocked, as if she had never thought about the question. “I dunno…probably from a big tin called ‘meat’”…I thought I couldn’t go wrong with the tea but I was mistaken. She gave me the cup filled with hot water and offered me some additional milk. “No it’s fine. There is milk already in there.” I said. “Who put that in there? Maureen, did you start putting milk in tea? I told you not to do that!” It appeared that she didn’t know such basics.

Back to the game. Derby County came out the stronger with the impressive Theo Robinson causing all sorts of problems for Reid and Tompkins. Allardyce threw on Cole and Baldock, replacing O’Brien and Piquionne who had returned from Greggs empty-handed. Ten minutes later Robert Hall was given his chance, with the Hammers throwing five men up front. Yet with all the attacking intent, Fielding was only called into action on a couple of occasions. In fact looking back now considering we had five centre-forwards on the pitch and the team was managed by “Mr Direct” himself, they failed to send any long balls into the area where they would be dangerous. Instead Cole was having to drop deeper and deeper to get the ball.

Despite a couple of shouts for free-kicks around the edge of the area time ran out on the Hammers and another chance to draw level with the Saints had passed by. We made our way back to the car to cross three counties to get back home. The fans had been magnificent but there had been a distinct lack of London Pride from some players. All was not lost though as our return to the Northern branch of TBIR Towers was greeted with a shiny four pack of my favourite brew – Fuller’s London Pride, thanks to the kindness of CMF. All was well with the world. Happy New Year everyone.

So on a wet day in early September nineteen year old Stewart stepped off the train, on one of his first ever trips south of the border.  The transfer fee was huge.  To put it into context the record transfer fee in English football was just £500,000 eight months previously.  Whilst Trevor Francis had become the first ever million pound player in February 1979, only a handful of transfers had been for more than £400,000.  And here was the relatively conservative West Ham United splashing out a ridiculous sum on a teenager who had played less than 50 games in the Scottish Premier League.

Stewart would go on to make over 430 appearances over 11 years for the Hammers, and was the cornerstone of the most successful period in the club’s history.  But the reason why he will always be a legend for the East Enders was his crashing left foot that led to 84 goals for the club and one of the most famous penalty styles in football which has been often copied but rarely been as deadly.

Just 24 hours after he signed for the club he watched his new team from the bench in his Burtons suit, shirt and tie lose 2-0 to Watford at Vicarage Road.  He was on the coach back up north to Barnsley for the League Cup 2nd round 2nd Leg game  three days later, and four weeks later in the league game at Upton Park versus Burnley he scored his first penalty in a style that left most of the 18,327 fans starring in disbelief.  He picked the ball up, carefully placed it down, with the valve pointing goalwards, turned, took a dozen steps back in a straight line.  He then focused purely on the ball and where he was going to hit it.  None of this “looking the keeper in the eye” business.  He ran and struck the centre of the ball with all of the power in his body, both feet off the floor in a type of skip as he followed through.

The fans went mad for his approach.  In that first season he scored an amazing fourteen goals, making him the club’s second top scorer, and averaging nearly a goal every three games.  He was a full back.  Most were penalties, some literally game changing.

On the 8th March 1980 West Ham hosted First Division Aston Villa in the FA Cup quarter finals.  This was Ron Saunders Villa who a year later would go on to win the title.  They arrived in East London with a reputation for tough defending and fast counter attacking play with the exciting Tony Morley on the wing, and Gary Shaw up front.

The game was goal less, heading towards a replay at Villa Park when West Ham got a corner.  The ball was delivered in the box and an arm went up in the air.  It was hard to see if it was Alvin Martin or Ken McNaught’s but the referee deemed it the Villa man and pointed to the spot.  One kick separated West Ham from the semi-finals and Stewart stepped up, showing no sign of nerves and smashed the ball home.

He blotted his copybook in the Semi-Final at Villa Park against Everton though, showing the rash side of his play when he was sent off in the first half for fighting with Brian Kidd.  Fortunately he served his suspension long before the final against Arsenal where he won his first honour as a player.  In fact, Stewart has the unique distinction of being the only West Ham player to win the FA Cup who wasn’t English. That is quite an amazing stat when you look at football today.  Three FA Cup finals spanning sixteen years, with thirty one players used, and thirty were English.

In 1980/81 he was an integral part of the record breaking West Ham side that waltzed to the Second Division Title as well as reaching the European Cup Winners Cup Quarter Finals.  He scored nine goals in sixty appearances, only missing one game all season. He was a fans favourite and in the days when the word “Marketing” was as foreign to football clubs as a Bosman or Sepp Blatter and the club often rolled him out to shamelessly promote products that fans lapped up.

If there was any ever doubt about his composure it came on the 14th March 1981.  The venue – Wembley Stadium.  The Twin Towers.  West Ham United, from the second tier of English football against the mighty Liverpool, League Champions, who would go in to win the European Cup later in the year. After ninety minutes the game was goal less.  Both teams had chances, but a betting man would have put his house on Liverpool to triumph.  In extra time the first moment of controversy.  With just two minutes remaining a corner is cleared by Phil Parkes.  In the process Sammy Lee is knocked to the floor.  The ball falls to Alan Kennedy and the full back finds the back of the net from distance.  BUT Lee is lying in the penalty area, obstructing Parkes view.

However, the referee is Clive Thomas.  A man who controversy follows around and he deems that Lee is not interfering with play.  West Ham take heart from the injustice and launch one last attack.  A corner is sent in and Alvin Martin rises the highest and sends an unstoppable header into the top corner of the net.  A hand rises and stops the ball but not that of Liverpool keeper Ray Clemence.  It is Terry McDermott, and try as he might, Thomas cannot do anything but award West Ham a penalty (he does however fail to send off McDermott).  The clock has now stopped at 120 minutes and one man stands between Liverpool winning the cup.  Ray Stewart.  Twenty one year old Ray Stewart.  The hopes of thousands of fans on his shoulders.  He steps up but instead of smashing it home he calmly slots the ball down the middle of the net.  West Ham live to fight another day, losing the replay some three weeks later at Villa Park.

The following season in the top division Stewart plays every game, scoring thirteen times, following it up with double figures in the next few years, maturing and being rewarded with ten international caps.  In 1985/86 he played in possibly the greatest West Ham side, the one that ran Liverpool and Everton until the last Saturday of the season for the title and claiming an amazing 84 points.  Stewart’s contribution came into its own in the unbelievable run in in March and April which saw West Ham have to play seventeen league games in just fifty six days – a game almost every three days.

He scored a goal (not a penalty) in the amazing 8-1 win versus Newcastle United, and actually gave the ball to Alvin Martin when the Hammers were awarded a penalty so he could complete his hatrick.  A week later his late penalty sees off Manchester City and then just two days later(!) in front of a season best 31,121 West Ham come from behind to beat Ipswich Town with Stewart again netting a high pressure late penalty winner to take the Hammers to second in the table.

His last season at the club was in 1990/91.  With young Steve Potts and Julian Dicks breaking through into the team he found his chances limited, deciding to move on to St Johnstone after 345 games and 62 goals for the Hammers.  Ironically Dicks modelled his penalty style on Stewart and himself went on to score 50 goals in 260 games for the Hammers – a strike rate almost comparable with the master, Ray Stewart.

When I was in the playground as a young teenager all I wanted to be was Ray Stewart.  When it came to taking penalties with the tennis ball, the Stewart approach used to ensure the keeper would be quaking in their boots at the thought of that small ball thundering towards their face.  For that reason alone, we salute you Ray, you are a true legend of the game.

Since the defeat to Cardiff City West Ham had looked impressive in places, scoring four against Watford, Forest and Portsmouth, not conceding against Doncaster Rovers, Millwall and Peterborough United but then disappointing in the home draw against Leeds United, and of course THAT game versus Aldershot Town.  The football, as predicted under Big Sam hasn’t been good on the eye but there is an argument to say “who cares” as long as in May we are celebrating a return to the land of milk and honey.

I hadn’t been for a few weeks, preferring my fix of entertainment at equally unbeaten Lewes where an afternoon out of football, some of the best beer in the world and a home-made pie weighed in at less than £15.  A recent BBC Survey had revealed that a similar afternoon at Upton Park would cost £38.50.  But tonight wasn’t one of those times – instead admission alone was a staggering £43.  We were playing Ipswich Town for Christ Sake not Inter Milan!

Last week, after buying my ticket (my third game of the season bear in mind) I got an email from the club, using the same email address that I use to buy my tickets with.  It had the usual waffle in it, but the core was as follows:

“To entice you back to the Boleyn, the club is offering you the opportunity to watch our fantastic clash with Ipswich for just £25 for adults and £15 for over 65’s. This is an exclusive offer which applies only to those who have not yet registered with us or have not bought a ticket for the two previous seasons or more. This offer is only available to those not registered on the club database or not having transacted for the previous two seasons. Details will be checked and verified and full details will be required for new supporters registering for the offer. This offer is not available to purchase online.”

I do not mind the club putting out special offers but do they realise the damage they do when they don’t check their facts.  One of the main reasons why I moved my priorities to non league football was the way the club started treating fans with contempt and here was another slap in the face after paying £43 for a seat.

And what would I get for the same price as a return flight to Berlin?  Apart from the flat beer and surly service at the bar it would be the chance to see some of the new signings.  There is a lot of hope for Henry Lansbury but you just get the feeling that he would have more of a chance under Wenger if his name was Henri.  Bentley is Lee Sharpe mark II, and before too long I expect him to be hugging the touchline at Braintree Town.  John Carew seemed like a great acquisition last month but still doesn’t seem to be getting a start.

Ipswich Town were the visitors for the latest installment of spin.  A club which we have seem to have been galatically intertwined in the past few years.  Two play off semi-final encounters, countless players passing each other on the A12 and of course the legend that was John Lyall moving to the Tractor Boys back in 1990 after he was scandalously sacked by West Ham.  Quite a few fans would actually go as far as saying that the decision to get rid of Lyall was the turning point for the club and they have never been the same since.

West Ham United 0 Ipswich Town 1 – Upton Park – Tuesday 27th September 2011
On the 30th April 1986 West Ham lined up against Ipswich Town at Upton Park.  It seems hard to believe that it was 25 years ago, and at the time West Ham were challenging for the title along with Liverpool and Everton.  Due to a huge fixture pile up this was to be the Hammers ninth game of the month – a game every 3.5 days at the end of a long season.  They were within three points of the top of the table in second place.  The odds were stacked against them after Chelsea had taken all three points from Upton Park two weeks previously.

This defeat was a rare blip in the excellent home form that had seen thirteen wins from their previous fourteen including an 8-1 victory over Newcastle United.  However, the 31,000 in the ground that night for the first time started to feel the nerves.  The free-flowing football under Lyall failed to materialise and it took a Ray Stewart penalty to secure the three points.

Twenty five years later the atmosphere couldn’t be more different. Despite the third email of the week from West Ham encouraging me to “enjoy the atmosphere of football under lights at West Ham” it was neither atmospheric or for the most instance football.

“We really want to welcome you back to Upton Park so why not join us straight from work for an atmospheric night under the lights and the visit of the Tractor Boys? We hope to see you on Tuesday night.”

The empty seats certainly wont help build an atmosphere and for me the reason behind that is the cost.  £43 is a huge amount in the current climate to spend on a Championship game.  Of course I could have spent £99 (plus VAT of course) on a Champagne and seafood buffet (one glass and one prawn?) as well as a seat, or even a package that involved having a pie with BIG SAM.  Does that mean BIG SAM has a pie with every fan who buys this package?  Is this why the club have to refer to him as BIG SAM?  Surely, they have a moral duty to improve the education of their younger fans by correctly referring to him as big Sam.  Big Sam is marginally acceptable but why BIG SAM?  He is 6 foot 3inches, which is above average for a UK male but still not in the league of a giant.  What happens if he ends up managing in the NBA?  Will he become AVERAGE SAM?

There were a few new faces in the team since I came to the Leeds match.  David Bentley had joined on loan from Spurs.  Bentley will always be joining clubs on loan.  He is just one of those players.  A Lee Sharpe for the new millennium.  Apparently he played last night.  Can’t say I noticed.  And then there is young Henry Lansbury.  You can tell he is an Arsenal player by the rash challenges and then the indignation that he had done anything wrong.  He could (or even some may say should) have been sent off for two reckless challenges and was substituted late on.  George McCartney was back for a second stint at the club.  ”Never go back they say” which of course doesn’t apply when you get more money than you had before.

And then we have Sam Baldock.  I have to say I had never heard of him although I now understand he did good things in Milton Keynes, which in itself is a bit of a oxymoran.  I still cannot fathom where he was supposed to be playing, or what value he added.  I can only assume he was picked due to his first name.  This isn’t being disrespectful to the young lad, but when you are just 5ft 7inches and the ball is constantly being hoofed up field then you aren’t going to see a lot of it!

There was an air of inevitability about the goal when it arrived in the final few minutes.  After all in five of the last six home games there had been an away goal this season. I did try to use my Blue Square Betting App to place an in-play bet on an Ipswich winner but football grounds still do not realise that people may actually want to use a mobile phone and consequently no provision is made (on the contrary most US stadiums offer FREE wi-fi).  Lee Bowyer had already hit the post earlier in the game and he bounced quickest on an Ipswich shot that hit the upright and smashed the ball home.  At first he failed to celebrate the goal against his old team but then it was a case of “Why the fuck not – they kept Kieron Dyer for nearly four years”.

There was a mass exodus as you can expect with people taking the opportunity to realign their neck muscles after watching the ball fly high in the air.  I was pleased at the end to hear that Robert Green was made man of the match, and that underlines a fair reflection on the game.

My fellow fan Michael and I lamented for the days gone by, but we are realists.  This season is all about getting out of the Championship and back to the promised land.  As we left our seats in the Alpari Stand (OUR forex dealer apparently – which is handy to know as I still have $22 left from the US last week) we wandered down Green Street and mixed with the throng of disappointed fans.  All the talk was of another “bloody Allardyce performance”.  Times are tough at Upton Park.  Still we had a slice of TFL to come as they managed to screw up the Tube on the way home (I should add that the Blackwall Tunnel was also closed southbound for “engineering” works – great planning guys) – getting in practice for next summer no doubt.

My good friend Mr Marber predicted the evening would end with me “bitter and full of rage after a bad game, rip off grub, grim defeat and huge traffic jam,”..He was wrong – I didn’t eat anything.

Just over twenty years ago, Aldershot visited the Boleyn Ground for an FA Cup third round tie. Technically West Ham were actually the away team for the game, but at this time, teams could alter the venue of their game, and after discussion with the FA, the tie was switched to the Boleyn, which it was hoped would generate some much needed revenue for Aldershot. On the day, it clearly worked, as nearly 24,000 turned up and saw Aldershot belie their position in the fourth division (League 2 for anyone under the age of twenty) to gain a very creditable 0-0 draw. Ten days later (and on the eve of the outbreak of the first Gulf War, or Operation Desert Storm), West Ham woke up, and promptly walloped them 6-1.

I mention this because these are the only meetings between the two clubs (aside from a testimonial meeting in the mid sixties, which I am informed Aldershot won). Just over a year after the cup tie, Aldershot became the first football league club in nearly 30 years to go out of business during the season, but the new club, Aldershot Town was formed a month later. Accepted into the third division of the Isthmian League for the start of the 1992-93 season, the club enjoyed promotion in their first season, and it’s been upwards ever since. After winning the Isthmian Premier Division in 2003, they won the Conference title in 2008, and made it to the League 2 play offs in 2010, in which they narrowly lost out to Rotherham United in the semi-final. Presently managed by former Wimbledon and Bolton striker Dean Holdsworth, the club have not made a great start to the season, and are currently in 20th position in the division. After an opening day win at Bradford, they have failed to score in each of their last three games, but then this is a game against West Ham. And as all Hammers fans know, this could turn out to be a very long evening, and that’s not just because there has to be a winner tonight.

It’s probably part of football folklore about West Ham’s record against teams from lower divisions. For every win at Old Trafford against Manchester United, there is a defeat to Torquay. Last season seemed to buck that trend, but despite reaching the latter stages of both domestic competitions, the league form went down the pan, and the team won more games in the cup competitions than they did in the Premier League. While they have managed two away wins so far this season, the two at home have resulted in just one point, and in both of them, points were dropped in the last couple of minutes. But with a loss and a draw, surely they must be due a win tonight?

Wednesday 24th August 2011, West Ham United v Aldershot Town, Boleyn Ground

It’s expected that West Ham will field a team made up of some reserves and a few first team regulars. The goalkeepers are the first to emerge, and Ruud Boffin is to start, with the sub goalie someone whose name isn’t listed on the back of the programme. However, as the players come out to start their warm up, it’s apparent that there are more than a couple of first team players out there, with Nolan, Faubert, Sears and Reid amongst the starting line up. To complete the team Callum McNaughton makes his first team debut, and as it will turn out, it’s one to forget.

Despite the cheap seat prices for the game (£10 in advance for adults), the stadium is only just over half full (the attendance is given at less than 20,000), and empty seats are everywhere. Although the enticement of paying on the day has attracted some people along, it’s not enough to disguise the fact that the competition just doesn’t attract the punters to the early rounds, and has already been described by some as being on the way out.

The first few chances all fall to the visitors, with arguably the closest going to Peter Vincenti; played clean through the middle, his shot is only half saved by Boffin, with the clearance completed by McNaughton. If the home fans hope that this will wake the team up, Danny Hylton then tries his luck from outside the penalty area, but his shot is comfortably held by Boffin.

It’s therefore a bit against the run of play when West Ham go into the lead. Barrera loses the ball on the left wing to the Aldershot right back Herd, but Herd himself then loses the ball to Stanislas, who advances a couple of yards before shooting from outside the box and planting the ball past Young. The home fans celebrate and although it’s not quite deserved, at least they have got the opening goal. Hopefully this should lead to a comfortable night.

The half continues without really getting going again, and West Ham seem comfortable at the back, as they are restricting Aldershot to long range efforts which are not really causing any problems. The visitors do have a header cleared off the line before the break, but Stanislas is on hand to clear, and once the whistle goes for the interval, West Ham are still winning 1-0. It’s not been a great game so far, but for a West Ham public used to seeing embarrassing defeats to lower ranked opposition, it’s going well so far.

That all changes, and within the opening three minutes of the second half as well. McNaughton is caught out by a through ball, and while he gets back to tackle the forward, he fouls him in the process. As the last defender, he is shown a straight red by the referee, and begins the long walk back to the tunnel. A few around us holler that it wasn’t a foul, but clearly the rose tinted specs work just as well at night as in the day. The Aldershot manager, Dean Holdsworth gives him a consoling pat on the shoulder, but Sam Allardyce just gives him the cold shoulder; perhaps not surprising, as it’s just put his team under the cosh that little bit more.

The free kick is wasted, but an immediate change (Ilunga replaces Carew) means that West Ham are now sacrificing any kind of attacking play, and immediately Aldershot start to press home the player advantage. The best the home team seem to hope for is to attack on the break, and Stanislas is denied by Young again, but he is the only one carrying any kind of threat. To add something to the rare occasions that West Ham do go forward, Matt Taylor replaces the increasingly ineffective Barrera.

For around a quarter of an hour, there are a few substitutions, but nothing really happens, except that West Ham are simply unable to keep the ball for more than a few seconds, and the visitors are clearly growing in confidence. The next goal is absolutely crucial; if West Ham score it, then they might just hold on. If Aldershot get it, well, it’s going to be a long walk back to East Ham for the journey home.

With around a quarter of hour to go, Aldershot are still trailing, but now they are getting into the area a lot more. Up until now, most of their efforts at goal have been from twenty yards or more from goal, and have been more likely to trouble the fans behind the goal than Boffin. However, only a block by Reid prevents an equaliser, and then Boffin flaps at the resultant corner, before the follow up shot is cleared from inside the six yard box.

Any hope that the storm can be weathered are blown away with thirteen minutes to go. The initial shot is saved by Boffin, but the rebound falls to Luke Gutteridge, who scores in front of the away fans, who promptly go berserk in the lower tier of the North Stand.

Any hopes of holding on are destroyed, and Aldershot continue to press forward. There is the occasional sight of the ball heading towards the Bobby Moore stand (where West Ham are attacking), but it’s more often than not heading the other way. Those well acquainted with West Ham and cup ties now fear the worst, and with two minutes left, it duly happens. Danny Hylton is allowed to get his shot away, across the goalkeeper and into the far corner of the net. Those in home colours start to leave quite quickly, while those in the red and blue (or white for this particular game) have another opportunity for delirium.

Five minutes of stoppage time bring a couple of near misses at either end (in particular for Matt Taylor in the last few seconds), but an equalizer would probably have been cruel on the visitors who celebrate when the final whistle has been blown.

Naturally the sending off changed the game, and it is difficult playing with a player less in your team. However, that would be to take away from Aldershot, who put in a terrific amount of work, and deserved their win. West Ham were poor on the night, and may have held out, but the thing is, they didn’t. Once again, it was a late goal that did for them, and it will take several weeks for them to gel as a unit. Seeing Aldershot for the first time this season, it was a mystery as to why they are that far down in League 2, as they certainly didn’t play like it. However, while cup wins are nice, it’s the League form that counts.

“Season tickets now 8% cheaper”…well so they should be – this was the 2nd out of 23 home games – i.e we had had 8% of our games. Great marketing ploy there.  Or could you be tempted by a £99 (plus VAT) ticket for the Portsmouth game where you also got ONE glass of Champagne (West Ham’s one vintage by the way – we still have a bottle from 2004), and a seafood buffet (all the Skips you can eat) as well as a ticket of course.

Anyway we were here to watch the game, not be sold to. A bit of Sunday lunchtime enjoyment.  Kids 150 miles away, it was just CMF and myself, just like the old days.  And then the team was read out. 4-5-1…bloody 4-5-1.  We were at home for Brooking’s sake.  Over a month ago I pointed out that playing a midfield trio of Nolan/Noble and Parker simply doesn’t work unless you have mobile wide men.  And West Ham don’t.

Two weeks is a long time in football and those fans who saw the significant possession turn into a last minute defeat to Cardiff City will have mostly put that to the back of their mind after wins on the road to Doncaster Rovers and Watford.  But they have not papered over the cracks.  Tactically, the performance two weeks ago was naive.  Today it was simply incomprehensible.

West Ham United 2 Leeds United 2 – Upton Park – Sunday 21st August 2011
For the second home game in a row West Ham gave away precious points in the last minute of the game. In hindsight it was actually the Hammers who could say this was a point gained, rather than two lost based on the performance.

Allardyce decided on his usual 4-5-1 formation, which did nothing to inspire the home fans, especially when three long hoofs up front from Winston Reid in the first two minutes simply sailed over the head of Carlton Cole and into touch.  The midfield three of Nolan, Noble and Parker still haven’t worked out who should sit, who should mop up and who should go forward, and as the game progressed it simply led to Leeds being given all the time in the world to bring the ball forward.

But on six minutes all of our spirits were lifted.  West Ham had already gone close, forcing Lonergan into a great save from Cole.  However,  from the resulting Matty Taylor corner Cole lost his marker and sort of looped his back header into the net.

Leeds came straight back at West Ham, bringing the Hammers-target Max Gradel into the game.  He set up Snodgrass in the 25th minute hit the bar and then a minute later after a blistering run he went to ground in the penalty area.  As would be the story of the afternoon, Gradel went down far too easily.  Great young player, serious pace, good first touch, but simply falls over too easily.  He got up, brushed himself down and put the penalty wide of Robert Green’s post. Shame.

As the half wore on, the long, over hit from Reid increased, and after Cole was denied a spot kick in front of the Leeds fans, they started singing “Your just a shit Emile Heskey” to our Number 9, ironic considering he had scored the only goal of the game.  Football fans eh.

Half time at Upton Park is crying out for some entertainment.  A long time ago, Sullivan and Gold promised us top class entertainment.  Today we had a re-run of the ad break.  Oh how I wish for a return of the Hammerettes.

Allardyce obviously said something to the team at half time because the midfield five just looked confused in the opening period of the second half.  Leeds back four simply had all of the time in the world as no Hammers player was prepared to push forward.  Off came Collison and on came Faubert.  And within a minute Leeds had equalised.  Andy Keogh played in Snodgrass and his low cross wasn’t dealt with by the West Ham defence, and McCormack turned the ball in.

But Faubert soon gave the lead back to West Ham.  Showing signs of that attacking prowess which was a reason why the club bought him, he powered down the right, hit in an unstoppable cross and Kisnorbo smashed the ball into his own net.

West Ham a few more chances, two falling to Reid within a few minutes but he showed as much skill in front of goal as he did in playing the ball out of defence.  The one positive from the final period for the home side was the appearance of John Carew who showed the kind of hold up play that Carlton Cole has long since missed.  As Fabio Capello left with undoubtably more opinions on where Man of the Match Scott Parker should be playing next, Leeds launched one last attack.

The fourth official held up the board showing three minutes to go. And just as it was two weeks ago, West Ham’s attentions were distracted by the thought of the dressing room.  One final corner, Howson’s header hits the underside of the bar and there is Adam Clayton right on The Edge (do you see what I did there?) to score the equaliser.

There was still time for a few handbags in the West Ham penalty area at the end, but when the final whistle blew it was the 3,000 Leeds fans who were in the party mood.  4-5-1…bloody 4-5-1.

More pictures from the game can be found here.

I once knew a Brentford fan who found his dream house in Braemer Road, literally a stone’s throw from his favourite seat in the main stand.  After a season he was so fed up of fans throwing litter in his garden, scratching his car and generally behaving like football fans do he put in up for sale.  It was bought by another Brentford fan.  We are all mugs aren’t we when it comes to football? Stick a bloody club badge on a pile of crap and we will lap it up.

During my years working over here in Copenhagen I have been lucky enough to see a few games.  I have travelled far and wide in Scandinavia when the opportunity has arisen but still there is no place like “home” and the opportunity to walk up the road to catch a game.  Parken, the national stadium, is a 20 minute stroll from TBIR Towers here in the Capital of Cool. In the past year it has been a bumper time for the stadium, hosting sell out games in the Champions League against Chelsea and Barcelona.  England came here in February as I was able to enjoy the company of some of Fleet Street’s finest.  But the dream fixture (apart from Lewes FC) would be seeing West Ham play in Copenhagen.

Back in early June I was sitting in a meeting when my phone vibrated.  Nothing unusual there as it seems to go off every few minutes with another offer to buy Viagra or the news that I had been chosen by some wealthy widow to receive all of her cash.  But it went off about a dozen times in thirty seconds.  Such situations are like when the phone goes at home late at night.  You immediately think “Who is dead”?  I excused myself and saw 10 text messages from a variety of people.

“Can I stay at yours?”, “I will bring the beers”, “Bet you are happy about that” were three examples.  I had no idea on what people were talking about until I consulted Auntie Twitter (Uncle Google is the font of all historical knowledge, Twitter the news now).  The Hammers were coming to town.  Unbelievable Jeff.  My West Ham were playing in Copenhagen.  And I could walk there.

R-E-S-U-L-T.  I did a little jig of joy and I gloated to every one I could.  Everyone in the office surely felt that this was the biggest game ever?  Nope.  Not even a flicker of interest.  Even the FCK season ticket holders suggested it would be a dead duck.  The game fell a week into their season and would simply be an opportunity to get some more practice under their belt.

“It will be like playing everyone else in the Superliga last season” Said one fan, referring to the ease with which FCK won the league last season, winning 25 of their 33 games. I couldn’t disagree at the time with the Hammers in disarray after being relegated with a whimper.

But time has moved on.  West Ham have appointed Sam Allardyce and the job of trying to retain our Premier League status has started.  The club immediately put its valuable assets up for sale.  In fact, in another dreadful PR move they actually put them up for sale publically prior to the season end.  But bids had been slow to come in.  Cole was on the bring of signing for Stoke City, but the deal broke down last weekend and the striker immediately went on the charm offensive by saying he “was ready to fight to get the Hammers back in the Premier League”.  Scott Parker had been touted all over the place by the press.  The latest beaus had been Chelsea, interested in taking him back as cover for Michael Essien on a season-long loan.  The situation on Robert Green less public.  A rumoured interest from Bursaspor had come to nothing, with the Turks signing Scott Carson instead.

Last week we crossed the Alps and watched a young team, mixed with a few older squad players lose to Young Boys Berne. Two days later they lost again to FC Basel.  So now was an opportunity to test themselves against a much stronger team in theory; a team who reached the last 16 in the Champions League last season, a fact borne out by the starting XI which featured Green, Parker and Noble – all players who if you believe the English press would not be starting the Championship season, well not at West Ham anyway.

Obviously, when in Copenhagen and watching FCK it is necessary to meet up with Ivar and Hans, and tonight was no different.  After making sure Mick “Know it All” was pointed in the right direction of the £10 pints at Nyhavn we headed from some traditional Danish fayre - Stegt Flæsk og Persille Sovs and lashings of Carlsberg Special (note to fans in England this is NOT the same as Special Brew!).

West Ham fans are some of the loyalist in the game and so it was no surprise to come out of the restaurant and find them marching up the road to the ground.  Tickets for the game were being sold at 120DKR (£15) which is cheap for Danish standards, and despite the long summer break, the home fans hadn’t warmed to this game.  In fact it looked like some had been left behind after the aborted Take That concert on Saturday, cancelled at the last-minute after Robbie Williams developed “food poisoning”.  The away end of Parken still showed signs of where the stage was, meaning the Hammers fans were located above the action in the area normally reserved for the Brondby bonfires.

FC Copenhagen 0 West Ham United 1 – Parken – Wednesday 20th July 2011
If I was to say that the biggest cheer of the first half was for an announcement that Ajax had beaten Brondby on the other side of the city you would get an idea that it wasn’t the best of halves.  One of the issues that West Ham faced last season was the propensity Avram Grant had to “tinker” with a team.  Not when we lost (well, OK he did when we lost) but also when we eventually won a game.  One massive stand out problem was the defence.

So it was with a groan that we saw Winston Reid starting at centre-back.  Fair does to the New Zealander, he looked a Championship player from the first whistle, pumping the ball long to the corners as if he was trying to impress John Beck himself.

The Hammers started with Parker, Noble AND Nolan in the middle of the park.  That was obviously never going to work with two players often fighting for the same ball in the opening exchanges.  And talking of fighting, there was good old Boa Morte, tussling at one point with a paper bag that had blown onto the pitch.

West Ham did create the opening chance which Boa Morte fired straight at the keeper, which was a darn sight closer than Nolan’s effort – West Ham’s only other effort in the first half that sailed into the empty top-tier behind the goal.

That being said Robert Green didn’t have a proper save to make.  He bravely threw himself at a ball to just beat Dame N’Doye (no relation to Dame Maggie Smith) and injured himself in the process.  Cue the sight of 8 foot Ruud Boffin warming up with Freddie Sears on the touch-line and come the half time break it was clear that Green would take no further part.

The second half saw FCK start the stronger and they had the ball in the net on 52 minutes but a linesman flag denied them a goal. Five minutes later Allardyce made some changes to try to inject some pace into the lacklustre Hammers display.  On came Sears, Brown and O’Brien for Collison, Parker and Nolan.

Fifteen minutes later and the referee again was shattering the dreams of the FCK fans.  Boffin made a great save bravely diving at the feet of the oncoming FCK forward who made contact, the ball spilt loose and was put in the net. It was all Copenhagen at this stage.  Another chance went begging a few minutes later when a great move saw the ball find Nordstrand in one of those Carlos Alberto moments from the 1970 World Cup Final.  The Brazilian gave us all a lesson by keeping his head down and powering through the ball.  Alas the Dane did nothing of the sort and the ball sales over.

And then it happened. I could feel it in my water.  In fact I even Tweeted that I thought there would be a goal.  And two minutes later I was right.  After Joey O’Brien’s header had been brilliantly saved by Johan Wiland, Freddie Sears picked up a loose ball, waltzed past two defenders and slotted the ball into the net.  The improbable had just become the possible.

With just a minute or so left there was little time for FCK create anything and when the final whistle blew there were only a few hardy home fans left in the stadium.  At the far end the West Ham fans were quite rightly rocking.  It had been a hard fought win, but it was a win and a win against a team who would be competing in the Champions League.  In fact I think we deserve a cup for such a victory – the Carlsberg Little Mermaid Lego Trophy I think will do, taking pride of place alongside the Intertoto Cup.

After the game I went down and spoke with Jack Collison.  Almost a year ago we interviewed him as he started his rehabilitation from his knee injury.  Now he was back playing again and looking forward to the start of the season, especially as first up was Cardiff City, the team followed by the majority of his family.  I then managed to grab a word or two with Big Sam.  Click Sam interview to hear what he had to say.

So a good evenings work all round.  As the team departed back to their hotel, ready for their flight back to the UK I was able to walk home, enjoying the sights and sounds of the city In My “Back Yard”.

More photos from the game can be found on our Flickr feed here.

I scraped through the exams and coursework, gaining 51% overall, with a pass mark required of 50% and thus gained one of the highest financial qualifications you could get without being an auditor or an account. Never again would I be embarrassed in picking up a financial statement or annual report and not knowing what unliquidated damages were, or the difference between amortization and depreciation.  That was until I met Kieron O’Connor.

Kieron is possibly the most influential writer in the world of football on its finances.  To the thousands (18,216 to be precise as of 10am today) he is better known as The Swiss Ramble.  He is an award winning writer (as opposed to a blogger) who has been mentioned as one of the most authoritative sources of financial analysis by none other than Liverpool owner John W Henry, who described him via his Twitter feed as “Consistently remarkable, excellent analyses on the business of football”.  He is frequently featured in the Independent and The Guardian Football Weekly and to top off a fine year last weekend he was voted the Best Blogger of the Year by the Football Supporters Federation at their annual awards.

What relevance does this all have.  Well, Kieron is also a top chap and great company.  Living in Zürich sort of precludes him from our normal regular meet ups but when the opportunity arises he is as keen as mustard for a game in a random part of the countryside.  As luck would have it (and I genuinely mean that) a work trip to Zürich coincided with the Uhren Cup.  What do you mean you have never heard of it?  It is in its 50th year and includes two Swiss teams and two from elsewhere in Europe.  Each team plays two games and the winner is the one with the best record.  This year the teams invited were Young Boys Berne, FC Basel, Hertha Berlin and West Ham United.  Unbelievable Jeff.  My club playing just short hop on a train from Zürich.

So after paying an incredible €72 for a 70km return train ticket to the village of Grenchen I met up with Kieron on the train and we got stuck into the conversation about all things football.  Second co-incidence of the night – one of Kieron’s previous bosses was actually my boss now and he outlined in detail how he ended up inspecting football’s finances in such detail.  But it is not all about football.  A random trivia fact he threw at me was that his hand was once stood on three times by Bono at a gig at the LSE just before the band became famous (he did confirm he has washed it since).

The train rolled along the Swiss valleys, with the Alps to the north before it pulled into a small station and we were greeted by the sound of Bubbles drifting from the stadium down the road.  This was to be Sam Allardyce’s first game in charge of the Hammers.  For someone who has been so outspoken about the way the club has been run in the past eighteen months I have kept my silence on his appointment for the fear that when I lift the lid I will not be able to stop my anger spilling over.  So for now let’s just say I am not an Allardyce fan.

Supporters of all four teams were milling around, and after paying our 32CHF (£25)  to get in we thought at least we could grab a beer. Wrong.  The beer was very clearly “Kein Alcohol”.  As if to thwart any thirsty fans strategy for an outside pit stop the stadium announcer came over the speakers and said:-

“If you leave the stadium to get beer you will have to pay to come back in again.  Hahaha“ We specifically loved the Swiss humour at the end.

Previous winners of the Uhren Cup had included VfB Stuttgart, Shaktar Donestk and Ipswich Town, although it has been won by a Swiss team on over 35 occasions in its half century.  And based on the team that “Big Sam” (who ironically didn’t move from the bench in the whole game) there was little suggestion that West Ham were going to add their name to the foreign winners.

Young Boys Berne 2 West Ham United 1 – Stadion Brühl, Grenchen – Monday 11th July 2011
It was with a mixture of cheer and desperation to see the team Allardyce had put out.  Pre-season tournaments are designed to test out new players and formations so there was no surprise there were a couple of trialists lining up alongside new signing Abdoulaye Faye at the back. In midfield the very promising George Moncur, looking so much like his Dad John in terms of his style of play, and Cristian Montano were their to remind everyone that the “Academy” is still very alive and kicking. What was disappointing was seeing Luis Boa Morte not only starting but captaining the side as well as want away and Lazio target Julian Faubert at full back.  YB Berne, coached by former Spurs manager Christian Gross put out a strong team that featured such stars of the recent UEFA Under21′s team that reached the European Championship final as Costanzo and Affolter.  They had also been in pre-season for over a month and from the first whistle looked the stronger of the two teams.

In fact as early as the second minute they should have been ahead when the very impressive Degen literally wandered through the middle of the Hammers defence and fired in a low shot that Ruud Boffin did very well to save.  The couple of hundred West Ham fans in the stadium breathed out a sigh of relief but if they thought it would improve they were left disappointed.  As the almost customary flags from Upminster and South Benfleet fluttered in the wind, and half a dozen or so parachutists slowly glided down to earth behind the stadium YB Berne took the lead.  Schneuwly found himself in acres of space and had time to pick his spot in the corner of the net.  The sound system blasted out a disco version of “We all love Young Boys” which those crazy Swiss sang along to whilst the West Ham fans pretended to look at their phones.

In pre-season all teams have hope abound and amazingly just four minutes later it would be “Bubbles” streaming out of the speakers as Nouble powerfully headed home a Sears cross.  Game on.  We were going to win the league.

Just before half time I felt a bit peckish.  I saw numerous people wandering across the terrace with a single slice of brown bread with a dollop of mustard on, holding a white bag.  Not one to offend Kieron with my ignorance I decided that such a delicacy must be a staple in the mountains where meat was at a premium.  Eventually I asked him why, and he explained that in the bag was a sausage, and the intricacies of the bite, dip, dollop, wipe process you had to go through. Far too complicated for my English head.

Thirty seven minutes gone and Berne restored their lead as Affolter scored again unchallenged in the area.  Worrying defensive times indeed.  So much so that at half time off came Faubert, Faye and Jordan Brown at the back with James Tompkins and Illunga coming on to add some experience.

The second half failed to excite even the most placid Swiss man.  Star of the show was Belgian Ruud Boffin in the Hammers goal who pulled off a number of excellent saves including one from close range from Mayuka who was left scratching his head as to how he missed.  It was hard to pull many other positives out of the game.  The sun shone, the setting was picturesque and after all it was only the first pre-season game.  It’s not like they have more tough games coming up right?  Only FC Basel and Danish Champions FC Copenhagen in the next ten days.

With ten minutes to go the noise levels outside the stadium started to rise.  Marching down the road came the two thousand bare-chested FC Basel fans who had been shipped in on an old fashion football special. They fancied their chances against a Hertha Berlin team who were preparing for their return to the Bundesliga and featuring an ex-Hammer with Radoslav Kovac, whose absence from London meant we would lose a chance to see his wife in the stands at Upton Park.

Hertha Berlin 0 FC Basel 3
Game two was even more one-sided than the West Ham game as the Swiss’s impressive pre-season form continued with an easy win over the Germans.  Both sides appeared to put out strong line ups with the Swiss including Under21 star Yann Sommer in goal and veteran Alex Frei up front.

The only surprise is that it took over thirty five minutes for them to go ahead when Alex Frei smashed the ball home from the penalty spot after Streller had been needlessly brought down by the Hertha keeper when running the ball wide.  So what musical treat did we have in store for the goal.  None other than a blast of “Simply the Best” by Tina Turner.  They don’t do half measures here in the Swiss Alps I can tell you.

One became two just before the interval as Frei volleyed home at the far post.  The ex-Swiss internationals, with a very impressive goal ever other game ratio on the highest stage looked sharper than he had in previous years.

In the second the Swiss stepped up a gear by bringing on a few substitutes including the highly rated, and talked about Shaqiri as well as other Under21 stars Fabian Frei and Granit Xhaka.  But it was the elder Frei who stole the show with his third goal in the 53rd minute when the Hertha defence simply couldn’t clear the ball.

The Basel fans responded with a couple of flares which had the locals tutting in distaste but it was all good, harmless fun.  Over 8,200 had squeezed into the ground for the second game and with just a tiny little station to try to get them all away at full time we headed off with ten minutes to go.

A thoroughly enjoyable evening all told, sampling the culture of the Swiss highlands with one of the modern genius’ of the game today.  And it was only Monday.  Roll on the rest of the week!

You can follow Kieron on Twitter here and visit his excellent website here.

For more pictures from the evening head on over here.