I think that any West Ham fan would recognise that the club should have never ever EVER appointed Avram Grant last season. I do not believe that even an averagely competent manager would have got the Hammers in the same poor position. Quite why they chose not to fire him last Christmas is another matter, again failing to take the right course of action ultimately led to the club being relegated. So instead of swimming comfortably in the poorest Premier League we have ever seen, West Ham are huffing and puffing their way in a Championship made up of eighteen former Premier League sides, all of whom seem to be living on the seat of their pants. West Ham’s main issue this season has been the relative lack of goals. Summer “big name” signings Kevin Nolan and Jon Carew had not set the Boleyn Ground alight yet with their promised goals, leaving it to Carlton Cole to become top scorer with few contributions from elsewhere on the pitch. A return of seven goals from ten starts is impressive – a rate that would see him score 32 if he started every game, but we know that is never going to happen.

Despite a couple of opportunities, West Ham still had not topped the table this season. Southampton had proved beatable and when they dropped points, so did the Hammers. Coming into the last game of 2011, thanks to the Saints surprise home defeat to Bristol City, this was another chance to top the pile. Physiologically going into the New Year on top of the table could be as beneficial to the Hammers as damaging it would be to the Saints. However, needing to win by seven goals was going to be a tad difficult, even though we are managed by a man who just 18 months ago claimed he could manage Real Madrid.

The Christmas fixture computer hadn’t been kind to West Ham this season. Birmingham City away on Boxing Day, Derby County away on New Year’s Eve. What happened to the traditional London derbies over the festive period? Crystal Palace, Watford, Brighton, Reading, Ipswich, Portsmouth? All surely better for the travelling fans than a second 250 plus mile round trip in a week? No, stop it Stuart. You are bringing sense into the argument, and we all know that Football authorities and sense do not belong together.

So why was I breaking my away duck of the season on New Year’s Eve? Well I was in the East Midlands to visit my In-laws, specifically Northern Steve to welcome in 2012. And there is one thing that Northern Steve loves more than anything and that is a pie with gravy. Oh, and West Ham. So with Derby almost on the doorstep (everywhere up north is on the doorstep) he agreed to buy the pies and I procured some tickets. But it would be the same if there wasn’t some way for football clubs to spread Christmas cheer. For those who don’t like a rant, look away now.

Football clubs really know how to treat fans don’t they. They play on the blind loyalties we all have, becoming more audacious in their treatment of fans and how much money they can extract out of us. I had forgotten exactly how much tickets were for games like this but as soon as I had agreed to buy the tickets I had a rude awakening. Two adult tickets and two kids tickets came to a total of £108 before the obvious booking fee, admin fee and postage fee were added. Two days later the tickets arrived. In the envelope was a flyer for a special offer – A Family package for the game v West Ham for just £51..two adults and two children. Thanks for that.

I had been many-a-year since I came to Pride Park last. In fact the last time was for a West Ham game when the paint on the new stadium was barely dry, with Derby County winning two nil thanks to goals from Dean Sturridge, uncle of Chelsea’s rising star Daniel. Also on show on that December afternoon was Frank Lampard and Rio Ferdinand, reminding us all of the team we could have had if it wouldn’t have been for some disastrous off the field mismanagement. Since that game back in 1997 West Ham had played the Rams sixteen times and losing only once. So previous was on the side of the Hammers, especially with the memory of the 3-1 win at Upton Park just a month ago. Oh how it has changed as we parked in one of the empty business parks close to the ground. Pride Park has gone all posh. It has it’s own Greggs the Bakers now, and a Starbucks, and I even detected the sign of some free wireless (“dcfcFANS” if you are ever in need). And the crowning moment was seeing the Derby County Official Car in operation. Such was my amazement at the sight that we headed into the ground at 1.01pm.

Derby’s situation must be a frustration to their loyal fans. Playing in a fine stadium, in front of crowds that put the likes of Wigan, Fulham, Bolton and Blackburn Rovers to shame, with a highly rated young manager they always seem to be on contradicting runs. One minute they are red-hot, beating all-comers such as at the start of this season when they won six of their first ten games before then losing all six games in November. Last week’s home win against Leeds United was only their third win in the league since September.

However, whilst other clubs would be putting their manager under the spotlight, Nigel Clough is spoken of in revered terms in the city, thanks to the achievements of his father, who brought the First Division Championship to the unfashionable club back in 1972. Whilst he went on to manage big rivals Nottingham Forest, and bring incredible success which was looked on with envious eyes by the people of Derby, his achievements have never been forgotten.

Derby County 2 West Ham United 1 – Pride Park – Saturday 31st December 2011
But any temporary frustration was lost as we took our seats in the Upper West Stand. As I was reading in disbelief the news that Allardyce had put five forwards on the bench (and no one else) Callum Bell curled the ball from the edge of the box around Robert Green and into the corner of the net. The clock in the corner had just ticked onto 1.02pm. Hardly the best of starts.

Derby seemed to want it more in the opening phases and when another dangerous cross was played into the area, Paul Green stooped to head past his namesake in the Hammers goal. Two nil after nine minutes. If we left now we could still make the kick off at Met Police v Lewes!

The West Ham fans, around 3,000, which considering the date and location of the game was a magnificent effort, started to get into voice. Most clubs would die for an iconic song like Bubbles, but the Derby fans felt it was the “only song” they had. That was followed up by “Is that all you bring away?”…Hello…this is from a team where there is a 10,000 difference between their lowest and highest attendances this season and who brought no more than 1,200 to the corresponding fixture at Upton Park just a few weeks ago. Football fans and reason have never made good bed partners either.

The Hammers back line looked shaky. Winston Reid passed the ball back to Green whenever and wherever he received it, including when he was 10 yards inside the Derby half. Lansbury, yet to fulfil any sign of his promise that Wenger thinks he has seemed to retreat every time the ball came near him, and Piquionne upfront could’ve gone on a bacon roll run to Greggs for all the good he was doing. One bright note was the confidence of Dan Potts at left back. Potts is only 17 years old and is the son of West Ham legend Steve Potts. I am one of the 23,000 in the world who can lay claim to saying “I was there when Potts scored”…399 appearances for the Hammers in a career that spanned 17 years and he scored just one goal – October 1990 against Hull City when he scuffed/deflected shot from 30 yards somehow eluded the Tigers keeper.

As the half wore on, West Ham became more forceful and Fielding was forced to make saves from Nouble and Noble (Confusing I know). Just before the break it was 2-1 as the posh Noble (Nouble) smashed home a lose ball in the box. Half time – time for a pie and a cup of tea.

I opted for the Meat and Potato variety. I scanned the packaging to see what meat it was. No clue there. So I asked the lady behind the counter. She looked shocked, as if she had never thought about the question. “I dunno…probably from a big tin called ‘meat’”…I thought I couldn’t go wrong with the tea but I was mistaken. She gave me the cup filled with hot water and offered me some additional milk. “No it’s fine. There is milk already in there.” I said. “Who put that in there? Maureen, did you start putting milk in tea? I told you not to do that!” It appeared that she didn’t know such basics.

Back to the game. Derby County came out the stronger with the impressive Theo Robinson causing all sorts of problems for Reid and Tompkins. Allardyce threw on Cole and Baldock, replacing O’Brien and Piquionne who had returned from Greggs empty-handed. Ten minutes later Robert Hall was given his chance, with the Hammers throwing five men up front. Yet with all the attacking intent, Fielding was only called into action on a couple of occasions. In fact looking back now considering we had five centre-forwards on the pitch and the team was managed by “Mr Direct” himself, they failed to send any long balls into the area where they would be dangerous. Instead Cole was having to drop deeper and deeper to get the ball.

Despite a couple of shouts for free-kicks around the edge of the area time ran out on the Hammers and another chance to draw level with the Saints had passed by. We made our way back to the car to cross three counties to get back home. The fans had been magnificent but there had been a distinct lack of London Pride from some players. All was not lost though as our return to the Northern branch of TBIR Towers was greeted with a shiny four pack of my favourite brew – Fuller’s London Pride, thanks to the kindness of CMF. All was well with the world. Happy New Year everyone.

So on a wet day in early September nineteen year old Stewart stepped off the train, on one of his first ever trips south of the border.  The transfer fee was huge.  To put it into context the record transfer fee in English football was just £500,000 eight months previously.  Whilst Trevor Francis had become the first ever million pound player in February 1979, only a handful of transfers had been for more than £400,000.  And here was the relatively conservative West Ham United splashing out a ridiculous sum on a teenager who had played less than 50 games in the Scottish Premier League.

Stewart would go on to make over 430 appearances over 11 years for the Hammers, and was the cornerstone of the most successful period in the club’s history.  But the reason why he will always be a legend for the East Enders was his crashing left foot that led to 84 goals for the club and one of the most famous penalty styles in football which has been often copied but rarely been as deadly.

Just 24 hours after he signed for the club he watched his new team from the bench in his Burtons suit, shirt and tie lose 2-0 to Watford at Vicarage Road.  He was on the coach back up north to Barnsley for the League Cup 2nd round 2nd Leg game  three days later, and four weeks later in the league game at Upton Park versus Burnley he scored his first penalty in a style that left most of the 18,327 fans starring in disbelief.  He picked the ball up, carefully placed it down, with the valve pointing goalwards, turned, took a dozen steps back in a straight line.  He then focused purely on the ball and where he was going to hit it.  None of this “looking the keeper in the eye” business.  He ran and struck the centre of the ball with all of the power in his body, both feet off the floor in a type of skip as he followed through.

The fans went mad for his approach.  In that first season he scored an amazing fourteen goals, making him the club’s second top scorer, and averaging nearly a goal every three games.  He was a full back.  Most were penalties, some literally game changing.

On the 8th March 1980 West Ham hosted First Division Aston Villa in the FA Cup quarter finals.  This was Ron Saunders Villa who a year later would go on to win the title.  They arrived in East London with a reputation for tough defending and fast counter attacking play with the exciting Tony Morley on the wing, and Gary Shaw up front.

The game was goal less, heading towards a replay at Villa Park when West Ham got a corner.  The ball was delivered in the box and an arm went up in the air.  It was hard to see if it was Alvin Martin or Ken McNaught’s but the referee deemed it the Villa man and pointed to the spot.  One kick separated West Ham from the semi-finals and Stewart stepped up, showing no sign of nerves and smashed the ball home.

He blotted his copybook in the Semi-Final at Villa Park against Everton though, showing the rash side of his play when he was sent off in the first half for fighting with Brian Kidd.  Fortunately he served his suspension long before the final against Arsenal where he won his first honour as a player.  In fact, Stewart has the unique distinction of being the only West Ham player to win the FA Cup who wasn’t English. That is quite an amazing stat when you look at football today.  Three FA Cup finals spanning sixteen years, with thirty one players used, and thirty were English.

In 1980/81 he was an integral part of the record breaking West Ham side that waltzed to the Second Division Title as well as reaching the European Cup Winners Cup Quarter Finals.  He scored nine goals in sixty appearances, only missing one game all season. He was a fans favourite and in the days when the word “Marketing” was as foreign to football clubs as a Bosman or Sepp Blatter and the club often rolled him out to shamelessly promote products that fans lapped up.

If there was any ever doubt about his composure it came on the 14th March 1981.  The venue – Wembley Stadium.  The Twin Towers.  West Ham United, from the second tier of English football against the mighty Liverpool, League Champions, who would go in to win the European Cup later in the year. After ninety minutes the game was goal less.  Both teams had chances, but a betting man would have put his house on Liverpool to triumph.  In extra time the first moment of controversy.  With just two minutes remaining a corner is cleared by Phil Parkes.  In the process Sammy Lee is knocked to the floor.  The ball falls to Alan Kennedy and the full back finds the back of the net from distance.  BUT Lee is lying in the penalty area, obstructing Parkes view.

However, the referee is Clive Thomas.  A man who controversy follows around and he deems that Lee is not interfering with play.  West Ham take heart from the injustice and launch one last attack.  A corner is sent in and Alvin Martin rises the highest and sends an unstoppable header into the top corner of the net.  A hand rises and stops the ball but not that of Liverpool keeper Ray Clemence.  It is Terry McDermott, and try as he might, Thomas cannot do anything but award West Ham a penalty (he does however fail to send off McDermott).  The clock has now stopped at 120 minutes and one man stands between Liverpool winning the cup.  Ray Stewart.  Twenty one year old Ray Stewart.  The hopes of thousands of fans on his shoulders.  He steps up but instead of smashing it home he calmly slots the ball down the middle of the net.  West Ham live to fight another day, losing the replay some three weeks later at Villa Park.

The following season in the top division Stewart plays every game, scoring thirteen times, following it up with double figures in the next few years, maturing and being rewarded with ten international caps.  In 1985/86 he played in possibly the greatest West Ham side, the one that ran Liverpool and Everton until the last Saturday of the season for the title and claiming an amazing 84 points.  Stewart’s contribution came into its own in the unbelievable run in in March and April which saw West Ham have to play seventeen league games in just fifty six days – a game almost every three days.

He scored a goal (not a penalty) in the amazing 8-1 win versus Newcastle United, and actually gave the ball to Alvin Martin when the Hammers were awarded a penalty so he could complete his hatrick.  A week later his late penalty sees off Manchester City and then just two days later(!) in front of a season best 31,121 West Ham come from behind to beat Ipswich Town with Stewart again netting a high pressure late penalty winner to take the Hammers to second in the table.

His last season at the club was in 1990/91.  With young Steve Potts and Julian Dicks breaking through into the team he found his chances limited, deciding to move on to St Johnstone after 345 games and 62 goals for the Hammers.  Ironically Dicks modelled his penalty style on Stewart and himself went on to score 50 goals in 260 games for the Hammers – a strike rate almost comparable with the master, Ray Stewart.

When I was in the playground as a young teenager all I wanted to be was Ray Stewart.  When it came to taking penalties with the tennis ball, the Stewart approach used to ensure the keeper would be quaking in their boots at the thought of that small ball thundering towards their face.  For that reason alone, we salute you Ray, you are a true legend of the game.

Since the defeat to Cardiff City West Ham had looked impressive in places, scoring four against Watford, Forest and Portsmouth, not conceding against Doncaster Rovers, Millwall and Peterborough United but then disappointing in the home draw against Leeds United, and of course THAT game versus Aldershot Town.  The football, as predicted under Big Sam hasn’t been good on the eye but there is an argument to say “who cares” as long as in May we are celebrating a return to the land of milk and honey.

I hadn’t been for a few weeks, preferring my fix of entertainment at equally unbeaten Lewes where an afternoon out of football, some of the best beer in the world and a home-made pie weighed in at less than £15.  A recent BBC Survey had revealed that a similar afternoon at Upton Park would cost £38.50.  But tonight wasn’t one of those times – instead admission alone was a staggering £43.  We were playing Ipswich Town for Christ Sake not Inter Milan!

Last week, after buying my ticket (my third game of the season bear in mind) I got an email from the club, using the same email address that I use to buy my tickets with.  It had the usual waffle in it, but the core was as follows:

“To entice you back to the Boleyn, the club is offering you the opportunity to watch our fantastic clash with Ipswich for just £25 for adults and £15 for over 65’s. This is an exclusive offer which applies only to those who have not yet registered with us or have not bought a ticket for the two previous seasons or more. This offer is only available to those not registered on the club database or not having transacted for the previous two seasons. Details will be checked and verified and full details will be required for new supporters registering for the offer. This offer is not available to purchase online.”

I do not mind the club putting out special offers but do they realise the damage they do when they don’t check their facts.  One of the main reasons why I moved my priorities to non league football was the way the club started treating fans with contempt and here was another slap in the face after paying £43 for a seat.

And what would I get for the same price as a return flight to Berlin?  Apart from the flat beer and surly service at the bar it would be the chance to see some of the new signings.  There is a lot of hope for Henry Lansbury but you just get the feeling that he would have more of a chance under Wenger if his name was Henri.  Bentley is Lee Sharpe mark II, and before too long I expect him to be hugging the touchline at Braintree Town.  John Carew seemed like a great acquisition last month but still doesn’t seem to be getting a start.

Ipswich Town were the visitors for the latest installment of spin.  A club which we have seem to have been galatically intertwined in the past few years.  Two play off semi-final encounters, countless players passing each other on the A12 and of course the legend that was John Lyall moving to the Tractor Boys back in 1990 after he was scandalously sacked by West Ham.  Quite a few fans would actually go as far as saying that the decision to get rid of Lyall was the turning point for the club and they have never been the same since.

West Ham United 0 Ipswich Town 1 – Upton Park – Tuesday 27th September 2011
On the 30th April 1986 West Ham lined up against Ipswich Town at Upton Park.  It seems hard to believe that it was 25 years ago, and at the time West Ham were challenging for the title along with Liverpool and Everton.  Due to a huge fixture pile up this was to be the Hammers ninth game of the month – a game every 3.5 days at the end of a long season.  They were within three points of the top of the table in second place.  The odds were stacked against them after Chelsea had taken all three points from Upton Park two weeks previously.

This defeat was a rare blip in the excellent home form that had seen thirteen wins from their previous fourteen including an 8-1 victory over Newcastle United.  However, the 31,000 in the ground that night for the first time started to feel the nerves.  The free-flowing football under Lyall failed to materialise and it took a Ray Stewart penalty to secure the three points.

Twenty five years later the atmosphere couldn’t be more different. Despite the third email of the week from West Ham encouraging me to “enjoy the atmosphere of football under lights at West Ham” it was neither atmospheric or for the most instance football.

“We really want to welcome you back to Upton Park so why not join us straight from work for an atmospheric night under the lights and the visit of the Tractor Boys? We hope to see you on Tuesday night.”

The empty seats certainly wont help build an atmosphere and for me the reason behind that is the cost.  £43 is a huge amount in the current climate to spend on a Championship game.  Of course I could have spent £99 (plus VAT of course) on a Champagne and seafood buffet (one glass and one prawn?) as well as a seat, or even a package that involved having a pie with BIG SAM.  Does that mean BIG SAM has a pie with every fan who buys this package?  Is this why the club have to refer to him as BIG SAM?  Surely, they have a moral duty to improve the education of their younger fans by correctly referring to him as big Sam.  Big Sam is marginally acceptable but why BIG SAM?  He is 6 foot 3inches, which is above average for a UK male but still not in the league of a giant.  What happens if he ends up managing in the NBA?  Will he become AVERAGE SAM?

There were a few new faces in the team since I came to the Leeds match.  David Bentley had joined on loan from Spurs.  Bentley will always be joining clubs on loan.  He is just one of those players.  A Lee Sharpe for the new millennium.  Apparently he played last night.  Can’t say I noticed.  And then there is young Henry Lansbury.  You can tell he is an Arsenal player by the rash challenges and then the indignation that he had done anything wrong.  He could (or even some may say should) have been sent off for two reckless challenges and was substituted late on.  George McCartney was back for a second stint at the club.  ”Never go back they say” which of course doesn’t apply when you get more money than you had before.

And then we have Sam Baldock.  I have to say I had never heard of him although I now understand he did good things in Milton Keynes, which in itself is a bit of a oxymoran.  I still cannot fathom where he was supposed to be playing, or what value he added.  I can only assume he was picked due to his first name.  This isn’t being disrespectful to the young lad, but when you are just 5ft 7inches and the ball is constantly being hoofed up field then you aren’t going to see a lot of it!

There was an air of inevitability about the goal when it arrived in the final few minutes.  After all in five of the last six home games there had been an away goal this season. I did try to use my Blue Square Betting App to place an in-play bet on an Ipswich winner but football grounds still do not realise that people may actually want to use a mobile phone and consequently no provision is made (on the contrary most US stadiums offer FREE wi-fi).  Lee Bowyer had already hit the post earlier in the game and he bounced quickest on an Ipswich shot that hit the upright and smashed the ball home.  At first he failed to celebrate the goal against his old team but then it was a case of “Why the fuck not – they kept Kieron Dyer for nearly four years”.

There was a mass exodus as you can expect with people taking the opportunity to realign their neck muscles after watching the ball fly high in the air.  I was pleased at the end to hear that Robert Green was made man of the match, and that underlines a fair reflection on the game.

My fellow fan Michael and I lamented for the days gone by, but we are realists.  This season is all about getting out of the Championship and back to the promised land.  As we left our seats in the Alpari Stand (OUR forex dealer apparently – which is handy to know as I still have $22 left from the US last week) we wandered down Green Street and mixed with the throng of disappointed fans.  All the talk was of another “bloody Allardyce performance”.  Times are tough at Upton Park.  Still we had a slice of TFL to come as they managed to screw up the Tube on the way home (I should add that the Blackwall Tunnel was also closed southbound for “engineering” works – great planning guys) – getting in practice for next summer no doubt.

My good friend Mr Marber predicted the evening would end with me “bitter and full of rage after a bad game, rip off grub, grim defeat and huge traffic jam,”..He was wrong – I didn’t eat anything.

Just over twenty years ago, Aldershot visited the Boleyn Ground for an FA Cup third round tie. Technically West Ham were actually the away team for the game, but at this time, teams could alter the venue of their game, and after discussion with the FA, the tie was switched to the Boleyn, which it was hoped would generate some much needed revenue for Aldershot. On the day, it clearly worked, as nearly 24,000 turned up and saw Aldershot belie their position in the fourth division (League 2 for anyone under the age of twenty) to gain a very creditable 0-0 draw. Ten days later (and on the eve of the outbreak of the first Gulf War, or Operation Desert Storm), West Ham woke up, and promptly walloped them 6-1.

I mention this because these are the only meetings between the two clubs (aside from a testimonial meeting in the mid sixties, which I am informed Aldershot won). Just over a year after the cup tie, Aldershot became the first football league club in nearly 30 years to go out of business during the season, but the new club, Aldershot Town was formed a month later. Accepted into the third division of the Isthmian League for the start of the 1992-93 season, the club enjoyed promotion in their first season, and it’s been upwards ever since. After winning the Isthmian Premier Division in 2003, they won the Conference title in 2008, and made it to the League 2 play offs in 2010, in which they narrowly lost out to Rotherham United in the semi-final. Presently managed by former Wimbledon and Bolton striker Dean Holdsworth, the club have not made a great start to the season, and are currently in 20th position in the division. After an opening day win at Bradford, they have failed to score in each of their last three games, but then this is a game against West Ham. And as all Hammers fans know, this could turn out to be a very long evening, and that’s not just because there has to be a winner tonight.

It’s probably part of football folklore about West Ham’s record against teams from lower divisions. For every win at Old Trafford against Manchester United, there is a defeat to Torquay. Last season seemed to buck that trend, but despite reaching the latter stages of both domestic competitions, the league form went down the pan, and the team won more games in the cup competitions than they did in the Premier League. While they have managed two away wins so far this season, the two at home have resulted in just one point, and in both of them, points were dropped in the last couple of minutes. But with a loss and a draw, surely they must be due a win tonight?

Wednesday 24th August 2011, West Ham United v Aldershot Town, Boleyn Ground

It’s expected that West Ham will field a team made up of some reserves and a few first team regulars. The goalkeepers are the first to emerge, and Ruud Boffin is to start, with the sub goalie someone whose name isn’t listed on the back of the programme. However, as the players come out to start their warm up, it’s apparent that there are more than a couple of first team players out there, with Nolan, Faubert, Sears and Reid amongst the starting line up. To complete the team Callum McNaughton makes his first team debut, and as it will turn out, it’s one to forget.

Despite the cheap seat prices for the game (£10 in advance for adults), the stadium is only just over half full (the attendance is given at less than 20,000), and empty seats are everywhere. Although the enticement of paying on the day has attracted some people along, it’s not enough to disguise the fact that the competition just doesn’t attract the punters to the early rounds, and has already been described by some as being on the way out.

The first few chances all fall to the visitors, with arguably the closest going to Peter Vincenti; played clean through the middle, his shot is only half saved by Boffin, with the clearance completed by McNaughton. If the home fans hope that this will wake the team up, Danny Hylton then tries his luck from outside the penalty area, but his shot is comfortably held by Boffin.

It’s therefore a bit against the run of play when West Ham go into the lead. Barrera loses the ball on the left wing to the Aldershot right back Herd, but Herd himself then loses the ball to Stanislas, who advances a couple of yards before shooting from outside the box and planting the ball past Young. The home fans celebrate and although it’s not quite deserved, at least they have got the opening goal. Hopefully this should lead to a comfortable night.

The half continues without really getting going again, and West Ham seem comfortable at the back, as they are restricting Aldershot to long range efforts which are not really causing any problems. The visitors do have a header cleared off the line before the break, but Stanislas is on hand to clear, and once the whistle goes for the interval, West Ham are still winning 1-0. It’s not been a great game so far, but for a West Ham public used to seeing embarrassing defeats to lower ranked opposition, it’s going well so far.

That all changes, and within the opening three minutes of the second half as well. McNaughton is caught out by a through ball, and while he gets back to tackle the forward, he fouls him in the process. As the last defender, he is shown a straight red by the referee, and begins the long walk back to the tunnel. A few around us holler that it wasn’t a foul, but clearly the rose tinted specs work just as well at night as in the day. The Aldershot manager, Dean Holdsworth gives him a consoling pat on the shoulder, but Sam Allardyce just gives him the cold shoulder; perhaps not surprising, as it’s just put his team under the cosh that little bit more.

The free kick is wasted, but an immediate change (Ilunga replaces Carew) means that West Ham are now sacrificing any kind of attacking play, and immediately Aldershot start to press home the player advantage. The best the home team seem to hope for is to attack on the break, and Stanislas is denied by Young again, but he is the only one carrying any kind of threat. To add something to the rare occasions that West Ham do go forward, Matt Taylor replaces the increasingly ineffective Barrera.

For around a quarter of an hour, there are a few substitutions, but nothing really happens, except that West Ham are simply unable to keep the ball for more than a few seconds, and the visitors are clearly growing in confidence. The next goal is absolutely crucial; if West Ham score it, then they might just hold on. If Aldershot get it, well, it’s going to be a long walk back to East Ham for the journey home.

With around a quarter of hour to go, Aldershot are still trailing, but now they are getting into the area a lot more. Up until now, most of their efforts at goal have been from twenty yards or more from goal, and have been more likely to trouble the fans behind the goal than Boffin. However, only a block by Reid prevents an equaliser, and then Boffin flaps at the resultant corner, before the follow up shot is cleared from inside the six yard box.

Any hope that the storm can be weathered are blown away with thirteen minutes to go. The initial shot is saved by Boffin, but the rebound falls to Luke Gutteridge, who scores in front of the away fans, who promptly go berserk in the lower tier of the North Stand.

Any hopes of holding on are destroyed, and Aldershot continue to press forward. There is the occasional sight of the ball heading towards the Bobby Moore stand (where West Ham are attacking), but it’s more often than not heading the other way. Those well acquainted with West Ham and cup ties now fear the worst, and with two minutes left, it duly happens. Danny Hylton is allowed to get his shot away, across the goalkeeper and into the far corner of the net. Those in home colours start to leave quite quickly, while those in the red and blue (or white for this particular game) have another opportunity for delirium.

Five minutes of stoppage time bring a couple of near misses at either end (in particular for Matt Taylor in the last few seconds), but an equalizer would probably have been cruel on the visitors who celebrate when the final whistle has been blown.

Naturally the sending off changed the game, and it is difficult playing with a player less in your team. However, that would be to take away from Aldershot, who put in a terrific amount of work, and deserved their win. West Ham were poor on the night, and may have held out, but the thing is, they didn’t. Once again, it was a late goal that did for them, and it will take several weeks for them to gel as a unit. Seeing Aldershot for the first time this season, it was a mystery as to why they are that far down in League 2, as they certainly didn’t play like it. However, while cup wins are nice, it’s the League form that counts.

“Season tickets now 8% cheaper”…well so they should be – this was the 2nd out of 23 home games – i.e we had had 8% of our games. Great marketing ploy there.  Or could you be tempted by a £99 (plus VAT) ticket for the Portsmouth game where you also got ONE glass of Champagne (West Ham’s one vintage by the way – we still have a bottle from 2004), and a seafood buffet (all the Skips you can eat) as well as a ticket of course.

Anyway we were here to watch the game, not be sold to. A bit of Sunday lunchtime enjoyment.  Kids 150 miles away, it was just CMF and myself, just like the old days.  And then the team was read out. 4-5-1…bloody 4-5-1.  We were at home for Brooking’s sake.  Over a month ago I pointed out that playing a midfield trio of Nolan/Noble and Parker simply doesn’t work unless you have mobile wide men.  And West Ham don’t.

Two weeks is a long time in football and those fans who saw the significant possession turn into a last minute defeat to Cardiff City will have mostly put that to the back of their mind after wins on the road to Doncaster Rovers and Watford.  But they have not papered over the cracks.  Tactically, the performance two weeks ago was naive.  Today it was simply incomprehensible.

West Ham United 2 Leeds United 2 – Upton Park – Sunday 21st August 2011
For the second home game in a row West Ham gave away precious points in the last minute of the game. In hindsight it was actually the Hammers who could say this was a point gained, rather than two lost based on the performance.

Allardyce decided on his usual 4-5-1 formation, which did nothing to inspire the home fans, especially when three long hoofs up front from Winston Reid in the first two minutes simply sailed over the head of Carlton Cole and into touch.  The midfield three of Nolan, Noble and Parker still haven’t worked out who should sit, who should mop up and who should go forward, and as the game progressed it simply led to Leeds being given all the time in the world to bring the ball forward.

But on six minutes all of our spirits were lifted.  West Ham had already gone close, forcing Lonergan into a great save from Cole.  However,  from the resulting Matty Taylor corner Cole lost his marker and sort of looped his back header into the net.

Leeds came straight back at West Ham, bringing the Hammers-target Max Gradel into the game.  He set up Snodgrass in the 25th minute hit the bar and then a minute later after a blistering run he went to ground in the penalty area.  As would be the story of the afternoon, Gradel went down far too easily.  Great young player, serious pace, good first touch, but simply falls over too easily.  He got up, brushed himself down and put the penalty wide of Robert Green’s post. Shame.

As the half wore on, the long, over hit from Reid increased, and after Cole was denied a spot kick in front of the Leeds fans, they started singing “Your just a shit Emile Heskey” to our Number 9, ironic considering he had scored the only goal of the game.  Football fans eh.

Half time at Upton Park is crying out for some entertainment.  A long time ago, Sullivan and Gold promised us top class entertainment.  Today we had a re-run of the ad break.  Oh how I wish for a return of the Hammerettes.

Allardyce obviously said something to the team at half time because the midfield five just looked confused in the opening period of the second half.  Leeds back four simply had all of the time in the world as no Hammers player was prepared to push forward.  Off came Collison and on came Faubert.  And within a minute Leeds had equalised.  Andy Keogh played in Snodgrass and his low cross wasn’t dealt with by the West Ham defence, and McCormack turned the ball in.

But Faubert soon gave the lead back to West Ham.  Showing signs of that attacking prowess which was a reason why the club bought him, he powered down the right, hit in an unstoppable cross and Kisnorbo smashed the ball into his own net.

West Ham a few more chances, two falling to Reid within a few minutes but he showed as much skill in front of goal as he did in playing the ball out of defence.  The one positive from the final period for the home side was the appearance of John Carew who showed the kind of hold up play that Carlton Cole has long since missed.  As Fabio Capello left with undoubtably more opinions on where Man of the Match Scott Parker should be playing next, Leeds launched one last attack.

The fourth official held up the board showing three minutes to go. And just as it was two weeks ago, West Ham’s attentions were distracted by the thought of the dressing room.  One final corner, Howson’s header hits the underside of the bar and there is Adam Clayton right on The Edge (do you see what I did there?) to score the equaliser.

There was still time for a few handbags in the West Ham penalty area at the end, but when the final whistle blew it was the 3,000 Leeds fans who were in the party mood.  4-5-1…bloody 4-5-1.

More pictures from the game can be found here.

I once knew a Brentford fan who found his dream house in Braemer Road, literally a stone’s throw from his favourite seat in the main stand.  After a season he was so fed up of fans throwing litter in his garden, scratching his car and generally behaving like football fans do he put in up for sale.  It was bought by another Brentford fan.  We are all mugs aren’t we when it comes to football? Stick a bloody club badge on a pile of crap and we will lap it up.

During my years working over here in Copenhagen I have been lucky enough to see a few games.  I have travelled far and wide in Scandinavia when the opportunity has arisen but still there is no place like “home” and the opportunity to walk up the road to catch a game.  Parken, the national stadium, is a 20 minute stroll from TBIR Towers here in the Capital of Cool. In the past year it has been a bumper time for the stadium, hosting sell out games in the Champions League against Chelsea and Barcelona.  England came here in February as I was able to enjoy the company of some of Fleet Street’s finest.  But the dream fixture (apart from Lewes FC) would be seeing West Ham play in Copenhagen.

Back in early June I was sitting in a meeting when my phone vibrated.  Nothing unusual there as it seems to go off every few minutes with another offer to buy Viagra or the news that I had been chosen by some wealthy widow to receive all of her cash.  But it went off about a dozen times in thirty seconds.  Such situations are like when the phone goes at home late at night.  You immediately think “Who is dead”?  I excused myself and saw 10 text messages from a variety of people.

“Can I stay at yours?”, “I will bring the beers”, “Bet you are happy about that” were three examples.  I had no idea on what people were talking about until I consulted Auntie Twitter (Uncle Google is the font of all historical knowledge, Twitter the news now).  The Hammers were coming to town.  Unbelievable Jeff.  My West Ham were playing in Copenhagen.  And I could walk there.

R-E-S-U-L-T.  I did a little jig of joy and I gloated to every one I could.  Everyone in the office surely felt that this was the biggest game ever?  Nope.  Not even a flicker of interest.  Even the FCK season ticket holders suggested it would be a dead duck.  The game fell a week into their season and would simply be an opportunity to get some more practice under their belt.

“It will be like playing everyone else in the Superliga last season” Said one fan, referring to the ease with which FCK won the league last season, winning 25 of their 33 games. I couldn’t disagree at the time with the Hammers in disarray after being relegated with a whimper.

But time has moved on.  West Ham have appointed Sam Allardyce and the job of trying to retain our Premier League status has started.  The club immediately put its valuable assets up for sale.  In fact, in another dreadful PR move they actually put them up for sale publically prior to the season end.  But bids had been slow to come in.  Cole was on the bring of signing for Stoke City, but the deal broke down last weekend and the striker immediately went on the charm offensive by saying he “was ready to fight to get the Hammers back in the Premier League”.  Scott Parker had been touted all over the place by the press.  The latest beaus had been Chelsea, interested in taking him back as cover for Michael Essien on a season-long loan.  The situation on Robert Green less public.  A rumoured interest from Bursaspor had come to nothing, with the Turks signing Scott Carson instead.

Last week we crossed the Alps and watched a young team, mixed with a few older squad players lose to Young Boys Berne. Two days later they lost again to FC Basel.  So now was an opportunity to test themselves against a much stronger team in theory; a team who reached the last 16 in the Champions League last season, a fact borne out by the starting XI which featured Green, Parker and Noble – all players who if you believe the English press would not be starting the Championship season, well not at West Ham anyway.

Obviously, when in Copenhagen and watching FCK it is necessary to meet up with Ivar and Hans, and tonight was no different.  After making sure Mick “Know it All” was pointed in the right direction of the £10 pints at Nyhavn we headed from some traditional Danish fayre - Stegt Flæsk og Persille Sovs and lashings of Carlsberg Special (note to fans in England this is NOT the same as Special Brew!).

West Ham fans are some of the loyalist in the game and so it was no surprise to come out of the restaurant and find them marching up the road to the ground.  Tickets for the game were being sold at 120DKR (£15) which is cheap for Danish standards, and despite the long summer break, the home fans hadn’t warmed to this game.  In fact it looked like some had been left behind after the aborted Take That concert on Saturday, cancelled at the last-minute after Robbie Williams developed “food poisoning”.  The away end of Parken still showed signs of where the stage was, meaning the Hammers fans were located above the action in the area normally reserved for the Brondby bonfires.

FC Copenhagen 0 West Ham United 1 – Parken – Wednesday 20th July 2011
If I was to say that the biggest cheer of the first half was for an announcement that Ajax had beaten Brondby on the other side of the city you would get an idea that it wasn’t the best of halves.  One of the issues that West Ham faced last season was the propensity Avram Grant had to “tinker” with a team.  Not when we lost (well, OK he did when we lost) but also when we eventually won a game.  One massive stand out problem was the defence.

So it was with a groan that we saw Winston Reid starting at centre-back.  Fair does to the New Zealander, he looked a Championship player from the first whistle, pumping the ball long to the corners as if he was trying to impress John Beck himself.

The Hammers started with Parker, Noble AND Nolan in the middle of the park.  That was obviously never going to work with two players often fighting for the same ball in the opening exchanges.  And talking of fighting, there was good old Boa Morte, tussling at one point with a paper bag that had blown onto the pitch.

West Ham did create the opening chance which Boa Morte fired straight at the keeper, which was a darn sight closer than Nolan’s effort – West Ham’s only other effort in the first half that sailed into the empty top-tier behind the goal.

That being said Robert Green didn’t have a proper save to make.  He bravely threw himself at a ball to just beat Dame N’Doye (no relation to Dame Maggie Smith) and injured himself in the process.  Cue the sight of 8 foot Ruud Boffin warming up with Freddie Sears on the touch-line and come the half time break it was clear that Green would take no further part.

The second half saw FCK start the stronger and they had the ball in the net on 52 minutes but a linesman flag denied them a goal. Five minutes later Allardyce made some changes to try to inject some pace into the lacklustre Hammers display.  On came Sears, Brown and O’Brien for Collison, Parker and Nolan.

Fifteen minutes later and the referee again was shattering the dreams of the FCK fans.  Boffin made a great save bravely diving at the feet of the oncoming FCK forward who made contact, the ball spilt loose and was put in the net. It was all Copenhagen at this stage.  Another chance went begging a few minutes later when a great move saw the ball find Nordstrand in one of those Carlos Alberto moments from the 1970 World Cup Final.  The Brazilian gave us all a lesson by keeping his head down and powering through the ball.  Alas the Dane did nothing of the sort and the ball sales over.

And then it happened. I could feel it in my water.  In fact I even Tweeted that I thought there would be a goal.  And two minutes later I was right.  After Joey O’Brien’s header had been brilliantly saved by Johan Wiland, Freddie Sears picked up a loose ball, waltzed past two defenders and slotted the ball into the net.  The improbable had just become the possible.

With just a minute or so left there was little time for FCK create anything and when the final whistle blew there were only a few hardy home fans left in the stadium.  At the far end the West Ham fans were quite rightly rocking.  It had been a hard fought win, but it was a win and a win against a team who would be competing in the Champions League.  In fact I think we deserve a cup for such a victory – the Carlsberg Little Mermaid Lego Trophy I think will do, taking pride of place alongside the Intertoto Cup.

After the game I went down and spoke with Jack Collison.  Almost a year ago we interviewed him as he started his rehabilitation from his knee injury.  Now he was back playing again and looking forward to the start of the season, especially as first up was Cardiff City, the team followed by the majority of his family.  I then managed to grab a word or two with Big Sam.  Click Sam interview to hear what he had to say.

So a good evenings work all round.  As the team departed back to their hotel, ready for their flight back to the UK I was able to walk home, enjoying the sights and sounds of the city In My “Back Yard”.

More photos from the game can be found on our Flickr feed here.

I scraped through the exams and coursework, gaining 51% overall, with a pass mark required of 50% and thus gained one of the highest financial qualifications you could get without being an auditor or an account. Never again would I be embarrassed in picking up a financial statement or annual report and not knowing what unliquidated damages were, or the difference between amortization and depreciation.  That was until I met Kieron O’Connor.

Kieron is possibly the most influential writer in the world of football on its finances.  To the thousands (18,216 to be precise as of 10am today) he is better known as The Swiss Ramble.  He is an award winning writer (as opposed to a blogger) who has been mentioned as one of the most authoritative sources of financial analysis by none other than Liverpool owner John W Henry, who described him via his Twitter feed as “Consistently remarkable, excellent analyses on the business of football”.  He is frequently featured in the Independent and The Guardian Football Weekly and to top off a fine year last weekend he was voted the Best Blogger of the Year by the Football Supporters Federation at their annual awards.

What relevance does this all have.  Well, Kieron is also a top chap and great company.  Living in Zürich sort of precludes him from our normal regular meet ups but when the opportunity arises he is as keen as mustard for a game in a random part of the countryside.  As luck would have it (and I genuinely mean that) a work trip to Zürich coincided with the Uhren Cup.  What do you mean you have never heard of it?  It is in its 50th year and includes two Swiss teams and two from elsewhere in Europe.  Each team plays two games and the winner is the one with the best record.  This year the teams invited were Young Boys Berne, FC Basel, Hertha Berlin and West Ham United.  Unbelievable Jeff.  My club playing just short hop on a train from Zürich.

So after paying an incredible €72 for a 70km return train ticket to the village of Grenchen I met up with Kieron on the train and we got stuck into the conversation about all things football.  Second co-incidence of the night – one of Kieron’s previous bosses was actually my boss now and he outlined in detail how he ended up inspecting football’s finances in such detail.  But it is not all about football.  A random trivia fact he threw at me was that his hand was once stood on three times by Bono at a gig at the LSE just before the band became famous (he did confirm he has washed it since).

The train rolled along the Swiss valleys, with the Alps to the north before it pulled into a small station and we were greeted by the sound of Bubbles drifting from the stadium down the road.  This was to be Sam Allardyce’s first game in charge of the Hammers.  For someone who has been so outspoken about the way the club has been run in the past eighteen months I have kept my silence on his appointment for the fear that when I lift the lid I will not be able to stop my anger spilling over.  So for now let’s just say I am not an Allardyce fan.

Supporters of all four teams were milling around, and after paying our 32CHF (£25)  to get in we thought at least we could grab a beer. Wrong.  The beer was very clearly “Kein Alcohol”.  As if to thwart any thirsty fans strategy for an outside pit stop the stadium announcer came over the speakers and said:-

“If you leave the stadium to get beer you will have to pay to come back in again.  Hahaha“ We specifically loved the Swiss humour at the end.

Previous winners of the Uhren Cup had included VfB Stuttgart, Shaktar Donestk and Ipswich Town, although it has been won by a Swiss team on over 35 occasions in its half century.  And based on the team that “Big Sam” (who ironically didn’t move from the bench in the whole game) there was little suggestion that West Ham were going to add their name to the foreign winners.

Young Boys Berne 2 West Ham United 1 – Stadion Brühl, Grenchen – Monday 11th July 2011
It was with a mixture of cheer and desperation to see the team Allardyce had put out.  Pre-season tournaments are designed to test out new players and formations so there was no surprise there were a couple of trialists lining up alongside new signing Abdoulaye Faye at the back. In midfield the very promising George Moncur, looking so much like his Dad John in terms of his style of play, and Cristian Montano were their to remind everyone that the “Academy” is still very alive and kicking. What was disappointing was seeing Luis Boa Morte not only starting but captaining the side as well as want away and Lazio target Julian Faubert at full back.  YB Berne, coached by former Spurs manager Christian Gross put out a strong team that featured such stars of the recent UEFA Under21′s team that reached the European Championship final as Costanzo and Affolter.  They had also been in pre-season for over a month and from the first whistle looked the stronger of the two teams.

In fact as early as the second minute they should have been ahead when the very impressive Degen literally wandered through the middle of the Hammers defence and fired in a low shot that Ruud Boffin did very well to save.  The couple of hundred West Ham fans in the stadium breathed out a sigh of relief but if they thought it would improve they were left disappointed.  As the almost customary flags from Upminster and South Benfleet fluttered in the wind, and half a dozen or so parachutists slowly glided down to earth behind the stadium YB Berne took the lead.  Schneuwly found himself in acres of space and had time to pick his spot in the corner of the net.  The sound system blasted out a disco version of “We all love Young Boys” which those crazy Swiss sang along to whilst the West Ham fans pretended to look at their phones.

In pre-season all teams have hope abound and amazingly just four minutes later it would be “Bubbles” streaming out of the speakers as Nouble powerfully headed home a Sears cross.  Game on.  We were going to win the league.

Just before half time I felt a bit peckish.  I saw numerous people wandering across the terrace with a single slice of brown bread with a dollop of mustard on, holding a white bag.  Not one to offend Kieron with my ignorance I decided that such a delicacy must be a staple in the mountains where meat was at a premium.  Eventually I asked him why, and he explained that in the bag was a sausage, and the intricacies of the bite, dip, dollop, wipe process you had to go through. Far too complicated for my English head.

Thirty seven minutes gone and Berne restored their lead as Affolter scored again unchallenged in the area.  Worrying defensive times indeed.  So much so that at half time off came Faubert, Faye and Jordan Brown at the back with James Tompkins and Illunga coming on to add some experience.

The second half failed to excite even the most placid Swiss man.  Star of the show was Belgian Ruud Boffin in the Hammers goal who pulled off a number of excellent saves including one from close range from Mayuka who was left scratching his head as to how he missed.  It was hard to pull many other positives out of the game.  The sun shone, the setting was picturesque and after all it was only the first pre-season game.  It’s not like they have more tough games coming up right?  Only FC Basel and Danish Champions FC Copenhagen in the next ten days.

With ten minutes to go the noise levels outside the stadium started to rise.  Marching down the road came the two thousand bare-chested FC Basel fans who had been shipped in on an old fashion football special. They fancied their chances against a Hertha Berlin team who were preparing for their return to the Bundesliga and featuring an ex-Hammer with Radoslav Kovac, whose absence from London meant we would lose a chance to see his wife in the stands at Upton Park.

Hertha Berlin 0 FC Basel 3
Game two was even more one-sided than the West Ham game as the Swiss’s impressive pre-season form continued with an easy win over the Germans.  Both sides appeared to put out strong line ups with the Swiss including Under21 star Yann Sommer in goal and veteran Alex Frei up front.

The only surprise is that it took over thirty five minutes for them to go ahead when Alex Frei smashed the ball home from the penalty spot after Streller had been needlessly brought down by the Hertha keeper when running the ball wide.  So what musical treat did we have in store for the goal.  None other than a blast of “Simply the Best” by Tina Turner.  They don’t do half measures here in the Swiss Alps I can tell you.

One became two just before the interval as Frei volleyed home at the far post.  The ex-Swiss internationals, with a very impressive goal ever other game ratio on the highest stage looked sharper than he had in previous years.

In the second the Swiss stepped up a gear by bringing on a few substitutes including the highly rated, and talked about Shaqiri as well as other Under21 stars Fabian Frei and Granit Xhaka.  But it was the elder Frei who stole the show with his third goal in the 53rd minute when the Hertha defence simply couldn’t clear the ball.

The Basel fans responded with a couple of flares which had the locals tutting in distaste but it was all good, harmless fun.  Over 8,200 had squeezed into the ground for the second game and with just a tiny little station to try to get them all away at full time we headed off with ten minutes to go.

A thoroughly enjoyable evening all told, sampling the culture of the Swiss highlands with one of the modern genius’ of the game today.  And it was only Monday.  Roll on the rest of the week!

You can follow Kieron on Twitter here and visit his excellent website here.

For more pictures from the evening head on over here.

The Championship isn’t that bad is it? I mean you get 8 extra games to watch for a start, and the possibility to play at Wembley. You get to go to some new grounds, be treated as if you were still in the Seventies by regional police force and have small firms trying to have a go at you as a normal peaceful fan so that they can claim they “ran the famous ICF”. It’s not as if we haven’t done it before, although thinking about it now and remembering the low point of a nil nil draw at home to Walsall who did not enter the West Ham half for 45 minutes still sends chills down my spine.

In all of my years supporting West Ham, we have spent a fair share outside of the top flight. In fact if I take it from my first game in 1974, the club have spent 8 seasons in the second tier of English football or around 22.5%.

Some of the club’s greatest achievements has been whilst they have been outside of the top division. 1980 FA Cup winners, 1980 Charity Shield runners up, 1981 European Cup Winners Cup quarter finalists, 1981 League Cup finalists, 1981 Second Division champions, 1990 League Cup semi-finalists and 1991 FA Cup semi-finalists. Hardly an impressive haul (bar that 11 month period in 1980/81) but still better than 75% of the other teams who have competed in the Premier/Football Leagues since then. Better than Newcastle United and Manchester City during the same period.

But we all know that the football world changed in 1992 with the creation of the Premier League. Since then it hasn’t been acceptable to be in the lower leagues. A stigmata on your club badge, and one that you must rid at all costs. Whilst some clubs may say “a season out of the top flight is what we need”, what do they really think on that first midweek game in August when they would have been playing Chelsea at home rather than Accrington Stanley away in the first round of the Carling/Mars/Worthington/Whoever stumps up the cash League Cup first round. And now there is the added danger of “double dipping”.

In February 2007 West Ham travelled through the Blackwall Tunnel to meet Charlton Athletic. It was billed as relegation six pointer, and to add even more spice to the occasion, Charlton had just appointed ex-West Ham boss Alan Pardew (who ironically had masterminded the Hammers escape from the Championship two seasons previously), whilst West Ham’s manager was ex-Charlton legend Alan Curbishley. The four nil home win took the Addicks up the table and plunged West Ham into the relegation zone. Three months later West Ham would be celebrating the unlikeliest of escapes (let’s not get into the whole Tevez affair just yet) whilst Charlton had been relegated.

Last Saturday Charlton finished their League One campaign with a nil nil draw with Hartlepool United, meaning that they finished in 13th spot which was their lowest finish for over fifty years. Southampton, Norwich City, Leeds United, Leicester City, Nottingham Forest and Manchester City. All bar Leicester City had played in the inaugural Premier League season and as recently as 1994 all had been playing together in the top flight of English football. Yet all have been relegated to the third tier of English football since that sunny day at Bramall Lane in August 1992 heralded the birth of a new monster.

So the danger is real. Look at the foot of the Championship this season coming into the final weeks of the season. Some familiar names down there? Sheffield United (Relegated but Premier League until 2007 – yes I know about Tevez), Middlesbrough, Portsmouth (relegated last season), Coventry City, Crystal Palace and Derby County. These are teams who financially simply cannot compete for a number of reasons after dropping out of the Premier League. There was always a view that Parachute payments “eased” this landing, but apart from West Bromwich Albion, which other team has bounced straight back every time they have been relegated?

This season has proved a watershed in the Premier League/Championship dynamics. For only the second time ever, not one of the three promoted clubs from last season will be relegated. And add to that the fact that none of the three who went down from the Premier League in May 2010 (Burnley, Hull City and Portsmouth) have come back up then you can see for the first time ever the league will essentially have six “new” teams in. Despite an increase in the parachute payments for those relegated last season, they have not been able to compete with the top six. And that is the sign of a new trend, a very worrying trend for teams who find themselves being relegated from the Premier League.

The fact that Cardiff City and Forest were in the playoffs last year, whilst Swansea City missed out by just one point suggests that these three have found some kind of Championship formula. All three of them have done their time in the third tier of English football in recent years (as too did runners up Norwich City) and perhaps set their expectations accordingly, whilst the likes of Derby, Palace and Sheffield United didn’t change their attitude. “We are a Premier League club playing in the Championship” is not a strategy guys.

So what future do the Hammers face? I remember our last stint in the Championship very well. We opened the campaign with a lunchtime kick off in nearly 100 degree heat away to Preston North End. From the superstar laden team that was relegated in May 2003 (including such players as Joe Cole, Freddie Kanoute, Paolo Di Canio, Jermaine Defoe, Trevor Sinclair and David James) only five players played in the first game the following season at Deepdale. Two early season defeats to Rotherham United (where the club didn’t endear themselves to anyone by refusing to use the cramped changing rooms at Millmoor) and then Gillingham (where Defoe picked up the first of his THREE red cards in four months before pissing off to Spurs) brought the fans crashing down to earth, realising that this would be a tough season.

The one things that didn’t happen was the significant fall in attendances. Thanks to some sensible pricing initiatives, the home attendances rarely fell below the 30,000 mark, and considering some teams such as Rotherham, Walsall and Crewe literally could have come in a taxi it was amazing to see the home fans get right behind the team. For me the one home game that still sticks in the memory is Gillingham on the 27th March. Not for the fact that this season there were three divisions between the two, but for what was going on behind the scenes on that day.

We arrived at the ground as normal, bought pies and tea and as we went to go into the stand we were held back by a steward. A group of wannabie Under 5′s (the trainee Inter City Firm) with their hoods pulled up steamed past us, chanting about “your going to get your head kicked in”. They took their places at the front on the Bobby Moore Lower, standing for the whole of the first game aiming abuse at the bemused Gillingham fans at the other end of the ground. This was at a time when we were constantly being told to sit down by the stewards, so the hypocrisy of this was hard to stomach. When the TV cameras then starting filming them, they got worse. “Twats”, “Tosser”, “Fuck off back to the 80′s” came the shouts and at half time they disappeared never to return again. Two weeks later in the match programme we found out that they were actors filming a new movie called Green Street staring Elijah Woods. The rest is history.

West Ham never put together a really serious promotion push. They were a firm fixture in the play offs from Christmas, only dropping out once in that period, after they lost at Easter to Crystal Palace and they secured their place in the end of season with a thumping win at Watford.

Pardew is a great motivator. For all his faults “off the pitch”, he pulled together a squad that deserved promotion. He re-established the club’s connection back to some of its historic principles. He developed the phrase “Moore than just a team” which he wore with passion on his T-Shirt (and we all did) in homage to Bobby Moore. He whipped up the atmosphere for the second leg of the Play Off semi-final with Ipswich Town into a frenzy, and when Christian Dailly netted the late winner, we all agreed he could shag our wives (as per the song ). So we were off to Cardiff for the Play Off final against a Crystal Palace side managed by ex-Hammer Iain Dowie, and one who had been flirting with relegation prior to Christmas. West Ham were 2/1 favourites, so of course they lost.

As for the day itself? Well that will be for another day. Perhaps when we are back in the Premier League. Excuse me now as the postman has just delivered my “On loan to the Championship” t-shirt.

We have had such classics in recent weeks as :- “We don’t have any intention to give up. We will fight. I think we need nine points more or less to stay in the league. It will be difficult but it is not impossible” or “We are not far from safety and we all need to go forward together for the next game. We have always shown we have come back well from every bad situation we have had this season and we will do it again.”

I am not sure what the purpose of these emails is. I have seen enough games this season to make my own judgements.

1. Grant has no idea what his “best” team is and even when he has been able to field the same team, he hasn’t;

2. The spirit of the team suggests they are not behind the manager. The story of Scott Parker giving the half time team talk to inspire the team to pull back a 3-0 deficit against West Brom is a classic example.

3. Sullivan and Gold by deciding not to travel (as well as any other directors) to last Sunday’s game versus Man City sent out an appalling message to the fans that they are resigned to relegation already. Added to this was PR disaster of the week part 2 when Gold came out in the Evening Standard saying Parker, Green, Upson and Cole would be sold in the summer if relegation was confirmed.

4. The club has invested poorly in players, bringing in short term ideas in the hope that they will provide long term solutions. Ben Haim, Winston Reid, Robbie Keane. The list could go on and on.

Let’s not kid ourselves. Any West Ham fan will take the dull football we experienced under Curbishley for the current situation. Whilst the club celebrated at winning the Olympic Stadium bid with big slaps on the back, most of the fans saw the word relegation getting bigger on the league tables in the Sunday papers. By the time the directors had realised that few people will want to watch games likes West Ham United v Doncaster Rovers or Barnsley (no disrespect to those fine Yorkshire sides) in a 60,000 seater stadium it has proved almost too late. Last season it went down to the final three games before survival was assured. Zola was duly relieved of his duties and Grant was brought in.

David Sullivan said in June last year on Grant’s appointment: “I am delighted to welcome Avram to West Ham and am confident he will prove a success. We have taken our time over this appointment and are certain we have got the right man. We are all looking forward to next season with new players coming in and Avram’s arrival is just the latest reason for real optimism.”

Co-owner David Gold, obviously not concerned that he had failed to get Portsmouth out of the bottom three during his tenure at Fratton Park added: “I have to say that having met Avram and spent some time with him that we have got our man. He is a perfect fit. He is a footballing man and quite frankly his reputation speaks for itself. He has a great sense of humour and I am sure the players will relate to him and the fans will warm to him.”

How wrong could they have been? There were few fans who welcomed his appointment with anything more than a raised eyebrow, and a fear that this season would be no better than the last.

Pre-season went well. So well in fact that it turned into the best pre-season for thirty five years. In fact the best pre-season since 1977 when West Ham ended up being relegated from the First Division. But did it translate into optimism with the fans?

Crowds for the first few games suggest that the club had lost an element of their loyal support. Chelsea and Spurs were both early visitors to Upton Park. Banker sell out games in previous years, but perhaps the fact that tickets were upwards of £60 each (not to mention the £30+ for under 16′s) saw tickets still on sale as the game kicked off, and hundreds of empty seats.

I had been to a couple of games already this season, taking in the home draws against West Brom and Blackpool. I sat in the same seat for both games, yet the price difference was more than 20% for the former. So, with Lolly’s birthday coming up I looked at taking her to the final game of the season versus Sunderland. For an adult and a “child” ticket West Ham wanted £87! (or I could have gone for Band one tickets at £96). So instead I bought the same seats I had picked for Blackburn Rovers and paid £25. Can someone please explain this? On second thoughts don’t bother – it is not as if the club really care anyway.

So for one final time, perhaps in the Premier League, we walked through the gates of Upton Park for the relegation clash with Blackburn Rovers.

West Ham United 1 Blackburn Rovers 1 – Upton Park – Saturday 7th May 2011
It was as if we hadn’t been away at all. Doom and gloom hung over the concourses as we puffed our way up to the West Stand Upper Tier. Bobby Moore and Sir Trevor Brooking looked down on the immaculate pitch as the teams came out and the “fan” behind us reminded us all that Blackburn were “c@nts”. In fact he reminded us all that the referee, linesman, Boa Morte, Avram Grant and his “missus indoors” was a c@nt. Nice man.

Grant had made changes yet again to the defence. Last weeks pairing of Upson and Tompkins had been replaced by Da Costa and Gabiddon. Not too sure what young Tonka had done, but there is no rhyme or reason for the Israeli’s bizarre team selections. And it took just 3 minutes for them to give the ball direct to Blackburn and thus create the first chance on goal. But then a glimmer of hope. Da Costa rose from a corner and his header was cleared off the line by a Blackburn defender.

If only we could build on that. Well in true West Ham United 2010/11 version they did. Another loose ball was played across the midfield, Jones intercepted, took the ball forward, fed Emerton out wide and his cross was turned in by Jason Roberts. The mountain we needed to climb was now of Everest proportions.

The Hammers first half display showed exactly why they are bottom of the league. Despite having the majority of possession, far too often long cross field balls just sailed over the players heads and into the crowd. Grant stood on impassively as if everything was going according to plan.

At half time we were treated with the preview of the goal of the season competition. Just give that to Scott Parker now. And whilst we are talking about awards we had a preview of the Annual Gala where the rest of the awards would be given out, including Team Performance of the Year (I will hazard a guess the winner here is West Ham) and Save of the Season (I think Robert Green may just scoop this as he has played in all bar one game this season).

The second half started with West Ham suddenly realising that a defeat here would virtually mean relegation. Grant took off Boa Morte who spent most of the game trying to fight anyone and everyone (as usual) and sent on Robbie Keane (“One c@nt for another” our fan told us all), and a few minutes later Piquionne and Collison (back after his knee injury) were introduced, meaning the team had 4 out and out strikers on the pitch.

However, nobody seemed to tell the players what the formation was or who was playing where, leading to a farcical situation of players bumping into each other, getting in each others way and confused looks. But out of the confusion came hope. Twelve minutes to go and Thomas Hitzlsperger leveled the scores with his shot from the edge of the box after being set up by Carlton Cole.

Ten minutes to find a winner, and save the season. And how did Grant react? He stood on the edge of his technical area with his arms folded, scowling at the players. There was still time for Keane to miss a sitter, failing to make contact with the ball when it was delivered to him by Piquionne.

So a draw took Blackburn above Birmingham City and within one point of safety. However, with Manchester United at home next week it would almost certainly be a last day survival act for them. As for the Hammers? Well, the maths are simple. Defeat at Wigan Athletic next week and they would be relegated.

I can’t wait to read the email on Monday to see what game I missed.

As a postscript perhaps someone at the club could investigate the missing 1,000 or so fans. The club had communicated via the website on Friday that only “a hundred” tickets were left for this game. With Blackburn already given a reduced amount of tickets there should have been around 34,900 at the game. The official attendance was 33,789. As I have said before, don’t believe the hype.

First up: Joey Barton by Andy Hudson

“We English will play the next 50 World Cups and we’ll never win one” said Joey Barton in an interview with the French So Foot magazine. Joey Barton could score 50 goals in a season and never play again for England. Comments such as this along with the criticism of Gareth Barry in the same interview will see paid to that. His extraordinary accurate assessment of his peers’ performance after the 2006 World Cup, “I played shit; here’s my book”, highlights that as long as he talks with honesty then he’ll be excluded from the squad, as much because he rubs those with influence in the international dressing room up the wrong way. For Joey Barton it is never what he does on the pitch that counts, but rather what he does off it.

His off-the-field behaviour is always held up as to why he isn’t a good player. Almost every counter-argument starts with something similar to “that thug”. But solely consider his presence on the pitch, without bias, to assess him as a player. Newcastle’s season eventually commenced when Aston Villa’s John Carew blazed a penalty over the Gallowgate bar only minutes before Barton picked the ball up on the left side of the box. A touch of the ball right and then it was smashed into the roof of the net. After an injury plagued Championship season, Barton had announced that he was back in the Premier League.

From that moment it is Barton who has defined Newcastle’s season, providing the spark and the class that has won the club points. Until January it was Andy Carroll who took the headlines away from him, ironically both on and off the pitch, but move away from the Match of the Day cameras and Barton’s influence on the Newcastle squad is evident.

Newcastle were relegated more as a result of fragmented relationships in the dressing room and poor team spirit than for having awful players. Barton was one of the leading players who orchestrated the ‘stay or get out’ campaign at the start of the Championship season. At the start of this campaign it was Barton who orchestrated the moustache campaign to build team spirit in the squad ahead of the August kick-off.

With Wayne Routledge severely out-of-form, and the club devoid of any replacement, it was Barton who moved over to the right wing to replace him. And from there Carroll had crosses delivered on a plate for him to knock in. For a squad with as little depth as Newcastle’s, it is testament to Barton that the shape has remained during his sojourn on the right. There have been no Steven Gerrard wanderings out of his wide position. If there had have been then Newcastle would have been crucially exposed in many a game.

When Newcastle have needed it this season it has been Barton who has grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck. At half-time and four goals down against Arsenal it was Barton who committed himself to the cause winning the ball time-and-time again and instigating attacks. Newcastle would go on to score four times to level the game, Barton scoring twice. If this was David Beckham then we would have daily recitals about this now, similar to the Greece game in 2001.

His consistency in a Newcastle team that has struggled for quality and attacking impetus at times this season is undervalued. Barton’s scampering after the ball, deft touches to release team-mates, short and long range passing has so often seen him let down by the player receiving the ball next.

With Gerrard struggling with injuries and Lampard with his best days behind him, the remaining experienced midfielders of English birth are Barry, Parker and Barton. Barry struggles to drive his team-mates on and drive forward, something that Parker and Barton can both do. For what they do for their clubs you could easily confuse Parker and Barton, both willing to crawl with not a breath left than to walk off the pitch. But it’s Barton who can combine the skills of ball-winner and play-maker more than Parker can. Can Barton ping cross-field passes around with more accuracy than Gerrard? Yes. And he’ll go one better than that, he’ll retain his position and help his team-mates out while he does it. Newcastle’s player of the season will almost certainly never play for England again. But England won’t have the player who is currently the best English born midfielder playing for them either. There are no winners there – apart from those who ignore what happens on the pitch.

The case for Scott Parker by Stuart Fuller

Ever since his BRIEF spell on Tyneside the Geordies have been jealous of his progress as a midfield power, cumulating in a Man of The Match performance for ENGLAND versus Wales and a nomination from his fellow professionals in the PFA PLAYERS PLAYER OF THE SEASON. During the same period that Parker has won those accolades, Barton has picked up another yellow card. In fact a yellow to go with the six he already has in the Premier League this season.

Parker is in the form of his life. West Ham would be dead and gone if it wasn’t for his efforts in the past three seasons where he has played nearly a hundred games for the Hammers. In that period he has scored 11 goals and 11 assists. In the same period Barton has played 52 games, scored 7 and set up 11 goals. And he is the team’s penalty taker. Oh, and 12 yellows and 2 red cards in that period. Did I add that in there? I am not even going to mention dignity or respect in this argument because if I did there would only be one winner.

Andy Hudson recently tried to justify his cause on The Ball is Round Radio (fast forward to 3mins 20seconds)

So why do people think Barton is a better player? He plays further forward than Parker that is for sure, but Parker is also a better holding midfielder, bringing the ball forward. In fact over 75% of Parker’s goals for West Ham have come from outside the area.

Back in November 2010 Opta published their form book, the players in the Premier League who had the best “form” based on KPI’s for their position. Centre midfielders? Gerrard, Nolan, Parker and then Barton. In that order. So an independent source who monitor EVERY aspect of a players game says Parker is better than Barton. Where is the argument?

Interestingly enough their transfer values, as calculated by the independent agency Transfermarkt suggest that Parker is worth more than TWICE the value of Barton despite being older and playing for a team lower down the table. When Newcastle United were relegated two years ago how many clubs came in for Barton? And how many will come in for Parker if/when West Ham are relegated? Spurs, Liverpool, Chelsea and Man City are all keenly following his progress because of his spirit, passion and never say die attitude.

Just see for yourself on his contribution to the cause and then you decide. VOTE PARKER.