Still need more convincing that Non League football is the place to be at on a Saturday afternoon? Well here are ten more reasons based on the game today.

1. Because you can always get a parking space close to the ground irrespective of your choice of vehicle

2. Because there is always a free view somewhere

3. Because it’s never your round

4. Because you can never get enough badges

5. Because there is always room for a flag or two

6. Because you will see some quality goals

7. Because you are never too old to get a game

8. Because there are always some celeb’s there somewhere

Drop the Dead Donkey’s Neil Pearson

BBC’s MOTD commentator Jonathan Pearce

9. Because there is always time for some late drama

10. Because its where all the top bloggers hang out!

Your club needs you NOW!”

This intro could apply to 90% of most non league teams up and down the country. It was written by a Chairman of a Supporters Trust of a team in the Rymans Premier League just last week. His club play at the third level of the non-league pyramid – a level that has already seen a number of clubs simply give up since the end of last season, unable to find a way to carry on in the current climate where costs are increasing and revenues are falling.

The simple fact of the matter that the majority of football going fans drive past these grounds week in week out to head off to the cathedrals of Old Trafford, The Emirates and the B2Net Stadium. This weekend is all about trying to encourage those fans to experience something new. The first designated Non League Day is not meant as a charitable act – in fact many non league teams are slashing their prices to encourage more people to attend a local game. If 10% of the fans who go to watch the Premier League every week paid just £10 to watch a non league team then there would be £350,000 more going into the pockets of clubs who desperately need it. And if a fraction of those came back to watch a game then the state of football at the lower levels would see a small improvements.

Four months ago when the 2009/10 Premier League season came to a close, and West Ham United hung onto their place on the gravy train for another season I made a monumental decision. I was going to turn my back on the Hammers and follow Lewes FC instead. There were a number of reasons for this which I will not bore you with but in the past few seasons I had been all over the country watching the game in all steps of the pyramid (aka the non leagues!) and had simply “seen the light”. So I thought I would give you ten reasons why I am now a non league fan.

Because you never know who you will bump into
Want to meet a West Ham legend? Head into the bar of the Beveree at Hampton & Richmond, or The Waterside at Walton Casuals and you can chat to Alan Devonshire and Tony Gale. What about one of England’s finest wicketkeepers? Well that will be Jack Russell sitting in the stand at Forest Green Rovers. A European Cup double winner? What about Basingstoke’s manager Frankie Gray. It’s the way I tell them? Well certainly at Chasetown where a regular visitor is Frank Carson. Players, managers, celebrities and fans alike all head for the same bar after the game.

Because the players are playing for the love of the game
Few non league clubs are full time, and so players are expected to feed themselves outside of the game. This means that they are human, understanding the pains that fans feel themselves. It also means that sometimes they have to miss a game to work (one non league coach regularly misses midweek games as he can earn more money as a taxi driver doing airport runs) or to study for exams.

Because the fans are realists
Sure, every club has a website forum, and debate can rage about any issue. But it is never malicious or vicious. You will rarely meet a non league fan who thinks his team have a god given right to be top or constantly challenging for promotion.

Because at the start of every season every team has some hope
It is very unusual for any fans to get above their station at the start of the season. With some very very rare exceptions the season kicks off with a relatively level playing field. Even last season when Newport County ran away with the Blue Square South title they were not even in the bookies top 3 bets prior to the start of the campaign.

Because it is great value for money
In the Blue Square South Bet this season the most you will pay to get into a game is £12, the least £9. Most clubs charge £10. And the kids? Well Lewes and Farnborough Town don’t charge a penny for under 16’s and most clubs only charge a couple of pound. Or of course you could buy a programme and a burger at The Emirates for the same price…that is after you have paid your £50 to get in. Anyone who has been to a game at Upton Park in the last few seasons will notice no difference in the quality either!

Because you are still allowed to have a beer
I am not going into the rights and wrongs of the Taylor Report but I fail to see how being allowed to have a nice pint of Harveys on the terrace at The Dripping Pan this season is allowed, yet if they are promoted to the Blue Square Premier it is illegal and I could be arrested. Beer and football have always gone together and at this level to many clubs bar sales are a vital income stream.

Because the hospitality is heartfelt
The people who work behind the scenes at the non league level often do so for nothing more than the pleasure in seeing people smile. They go out of their way to try and provide a warm welcome, a nice environment and a cheery goodbye.

Because the clubs are pioneers
Last season Mansfield Town came up with the idea to “pay what you want” for their game against Gateshead last season – the result a sell out 7,000+ crowd. Whilst the experiment has faded to an extent, remember Myfootballclub’s take over of Ebbsfleet United? Free entry for under 16’s? Lewes, Farnborough Town and others have given this one a go. Half price admission for season ticket holders has been in place at clubs like Thurrock and Basingstoke Town for some years with success at getting “floating fans”. And then there are the grounds…A twelve foot wooden man holding up a roof with grass on it? Dartford said sure why not. None of your identikit stadiums here.

Because you can make a difference
Contact a Premier/Football League club and ask if you can help out in any way and they will either point you in the direction of their commercial webpage or to the company that provides the stewards. Do the same at a non league club and you may end up serving behind a bar, painting the changing rooms, giving our leaflets in the town centre about the game or contributing to the match programme. And afterwards they say “thank you”.

Because there is always the chance that this year will be THE Cup run
Blyth Spartans reached the fifth round of the FA Cup in 1977/78, Harlow go to the fourth round in 1979/80 and in January 2008 who can forget Havant and Waterlooville taking the lead in the FA Cup third round against Liverpool at Anfield. Every year a couple of teams from the non leagues make it through to the third round and will financially secure them for years to come. Every year the chairman of all non league clubs pray this year it will be them.

I could go on. I feel more at home now standing on the terrace at a non league ground (or even a simple grass bank) than I ever was at Upton Park in my plastic seat. I feel I have more in common with the people around me rather than the Premier League branded blinkered fans I used to share my Saturday afternoon with. And finally, I feel I belong to something more than a faceless brand – I feel like I belong to something worthwhile.

Football to us involves sampling a few beers with the locals, wandering around the ground chatting to the fans and more often than not having a drink after the game with the players and managers. That is what watching non league football is all about. You are more than just a number on the gate. But are all non league experiences the same? Of course not. Anyone who has sampled a game at the Gateshead International Stadium will be hard pressed to put a romantic spin on the magic of a day out there, but there are literally dozens of teams and venues that make a memorable away day. We have tried to choose five that we would recommend to anyone.

A word of explanation first. The five we have chosen below have been through our personal experience and those of the fans we have spoken to. Obviously there are hundreds of clubs out there who could have been included, and I am sure if we review this list in a year or two it will feature a different list of clubs. But for now, our top 5 away days in Non League football are:-

Lewes FC – Blue Square Bet South
Located around a dozen miles east of Brighton, Lewes has son much going for it as a town that the football used to be incidental. That was until this year when a group of like-minded individuals moved the club from private ownership into a community club. With this move the club has vowed to bring a new era of fan involvement and a few new initiatives, for example offering free entry to children under the age of 16 as well as an Adult season ticket to sit or stand anywhere in the ground for £150.

The town is famous for its annual bonfires, its castle, Anne of Cleves house and more importantly, Harvey’s brewery. And where there is a brewery you can be guaranteed a decent number of pubs. And that is exactly what Lewes has to offer. Pubs, pubs and more pubs. And when you have finished in the town centre and wandered down the incredibly steep hill to the brilliantly named Dripping Pan you can have another beer in the Rook Inn, currently a work in progress on a European Fan bar.

To really make their day, and to potentially gain a free pint of Harvey’s, bring a scarf of your team along to put up in the bar. And the joy doesn’t end there. You can take your beer out onto the terrace and enjoy what football used to be like back in the 1970’s, but without the flares, the fists and the fuzz. The ground, supposedly named after the fact that the local Monks used to pan the lake that existed here for minerals was also used for mock sea battles. It sits in the shadow of the chalky South Downs and has a number of unique features. What about a steep grass bank that runs the length of the pitch where views are superb, or the “jungle” – the terrace behind the goal where the vocal home fans view the game from? The team have struggled in recent years, although the steady stream of youth team players brought through by Lewes’s Man of the Year Steve “Ibbo” Ibbitson have on times pulled out some fantastic performances. For more lovely details of what watching Non League football is all about read here and there.

Forest Green Rovers FC – Blue Square Bet Premier
Hands up who really knows where Forest Green is? A couple of you I see. Get a magnifying glass and focus on an area of Gloucestershire above Bath but below Stroud and you will see it just off the A46 – well you will see the village of Nailsworth where you need to take a right (if you are coming from the north) at the roundabout and start climbing the hill, and climbing and climbing until you finally reach Forest Green and the New Lawn. Obviously, by then you will have had a few beers in the village in the fantastic Weighbridge, The Egypt Mill or the Village Inn and think you are Chris Bonnington so the long walk will seem like a walk on a mill pond.

Once you are at the ground you will be welcomed with open arms in the supporters bar by the locals and you may even get a glimpse of ex-England wicket keeper Jack Russell who is a season ticket holder at the club. So the game itself may be crap, but looking out from the impressive main stand all you can see is trees and fields, as if football is an imposter in the middle of rural England. For a more detailed view click here and there.

Buxton FC – Northern Premier League Premier Division
A visit to Buxton FC ticks all of my football watching boxes. Their charismatic Silverlands ground is the highest in the pyramid of football, situated over 1000 feet above sea level. And, it has the lesser seen slopping pitch.

Buxton is situated in the Peak District so you can make a weekend of it, and please your wife at the same time. Visiting with the lads only? Then it boats a total of 23 (twenty-three) pubs. Get yourself up to “The Triangle” nearby the stadium for the best of those pubs; Cheshire Cheese, King’s Head and The Swan.

You can be assured of the warmest of warm welcomes once you enter the Silverlands as well. Upon my first visit there, former player ‘Bammer’ took me under his wing, and showed me around the place conducting a potted history as we strolled around the ground, and eventually into the clubhouse for an agreeable pint.

If you’re looking for a particular match to attend, then hold your nerve. The Bucks biggest game of 2010/11 falls on the very last Saturday of the season. Buxton v Matlock Town is a local derby that’ll have fans flocking to Silverlands. Do yourself a big favour, and get yourself along there. You won’t be disappointed. Don’t just take our word for it, have a read here.

Hampton & Richmond Borough FC – Blue Square Bet South
There are so many reasons why every football fan should make an annual pilgrimage to south west London to visit the Beveree. First up it is easy to get to. A five minute walk from Hampton station, and within 25 minutes of the centre of London helps for those coming by public transport. Coming by car? No problems, the M3 and M25 are within ten minutes and parking is plentiful and free around the ground. Fancy a beer then look no further than the The Worlds End, The Railway Bell or the Jolly Coopers all within a few minutes of the ground. Of course you can go into the supporters bar at the ground and mingle with the hospitable home fans or after where for the price of a lemonade you can hear some classic storied told by Hampton manager and ex-West Ham legend Alan Devonshire. Pick your game and you may also land in the middle of a fancy dress day.

The ground itself is another surrounded by trees and has real character. Behind the goal you will find the new Alan Simpson stand, named after the club’s President who wrote Steptoe and Son as well as Hancock’s Half Hour who still attends all games, health permitting. The Beveree is another ground where having a beer on the terraces is actively encouraged and they even have a tuck shop for the kids to spend their money in. For a view on a typical matchday at The Beveree have a look here and there.

Whitley Bay FC – Northern League Division One
The coastal town of Whitley Bay is simple to find. If you’re travelling by train, you’ll need to alight at Newcastle and then catch a Metro to Whitley Bay station. If you’re driving from the south, follow the signs to Newcastle from the A1 and then just after you’ve crossed the Tyne Bridge, follow the exit signs towards Tynemouth and the coast (A1058) and then you’ll pick up signposts for Whitley Bay.

Hillheads Park is located just outside of the town centre, on Hillheads Road, behind Whitley Bay ice-rink and just up the road from the Morrisons supermarket. The two closest pubs are The Seahorse (located at the ground and also accessible once you’ve paid your way in for a match) and The Last Orders, which is located between Morrisons and the ground. If you fancy a pre-match pint in the town centre (a 10 minute walk from Hillheads Park) then you’ll find plenty of fans in The Rockcliffe Arms, a real ale pub on Algernon Place, just around the corner from the Metro station.

The match-day atmosphere is fantastic for football at this level, mainly due to a group of fans calling themselves the Bell-end Choir (stop sniggering at the back – it’s because they stand behind the goal, ring a bell and sing for 90 minutes) who drive the atmosphere, regardless of the match being a Northern League fixture or a big FA Vase game (which will see crowds of up to 3,000 rocking the place).

If you don’t fancy standing behind the goal on the uncovered terracing, then head for the covered, old-style main stand which has seating at the back and standing at the front. A new stand is being planned opposite this which will provide covered terracing. At the back of the main stand is the refreshments bar, while to one side, in the corner of the ground, is a burger van. The entrance to The Seahorse pub is as you come through the turnstiles, set just back from the pitch.

After the match you’re spoilt for choice on where to go – the town has a wide variety of pubs, nightclubs and restaurants, and you can easily stay for the night in one of the many hotels and B&Bs that are located along the streets near the beach. Want to know more, then head off here.

So there we have our first ever official top five non league away days. Now we are very happy to take suggestions on where we should head to re-assess our votes for the next six months, so if you want to nominate somewhere else for us to go to then email us at tbir@gmx.com and give us a reason why we should come and visit.

So, in the spirit of going back to school I thought I would share with you what I did on my bank holiday weekend, which involved four games if you’ll allow me the extension on to Tuesday night.

Game 1-Saturday 28th August, Dagenham & Redbridge 2 Tranmere Rovers 2
With the previous home game against Exeter City having been postponed, this now by default became the home debut in League One. The rumours leading up to the game had been concerning our top scorer for the last few seasons, Paul Benson, and a possible move across the river to Charlton. Theories abounded on the unofficial forum; if he plays, he stays, but if he doesn’t then he is on the way out seemed to sum it all up quite nicely. As it turned out, he started, and put the same amount of work as he always does. However, two days after this game, he did eventually sign for Charlton.

In the lead up to the game, there had been a call for someone to take over the role of dressing in the mascot costume for the day. The club had been one of the last in the football league to have this, as it had always been resisted by the supporters. For a start, we had no idea what our mascot should be; a large knife to represent the daggers? In the end, it was a safe decision to have a dog, and call it “Digger”. This meant that someone obviously had to walk round the pitch, before the game and at half time to entertain the fans, and also to hand out or throw the sweets that had been provided by the supporters club. This was done by one man (even appearing at the play off final in May), but today was one step too far. A plea went out for someone to take over for the day; this was duly answered and Digger the Dog was able to make an appearance, although somewhat more spritely than normal. Perhaps the new dog food was finally paying dividends.

Whatever they were feeding the mascot, it wasn’t helping the team in the first half, as we struggled to break down a flimsy looking Tranmere defence. This changed though a few minutes into the second half, as we finally broke our League One goal-scoring duck with a goal from our French midfielder, Romain Vincelot. A second followed soon after from Mark Arber, and the chants of derision were being targeted at the visitors.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I used to go to West Ham that makes me think that this is only going to come back and bite us on the behind. The born pessimist in me was unfortunately proved right, as first the away side got one back, and then scored a cracking free kick two minutes from the end to earn a point. This reminded many of us of our first home game in the League, three years ago, when we lost a lead to Wycombe in the last minute.

Still, it was a point, and it moved us off the bottom. Now we could look forward to Charlton on Tuesday.

Game 2- Sunday 29th August; FA Cup Preliminary Round, Romford 3 Beaconsfield SYCOB 1
With Dan having been at a wedding on Saturday, he had scoured the fixtures for a Sunday game, and came up with this one, just a few miles away in Aveley. The stadium may be the home of Aveley FC, but for the past couple of years, they have shared with Romford, who having reformed in 1992, have played at several different stadiums since.

As you would expect from a British bank holiday weekend, the weather was very hit and miss. For the first half, we sat on the terrace, watching as Romford took an early two goal lead, and never looking in danger of losing it. Just as the whistle went for the break, the heavens started to open, and after a quick visit to the tea bar, we retreated to the main (or only) stand in the ground to watch the second half.

I have been to just over 1100 games now, and have not yet seen a goalkeeper score. There has been the occasional own goal, but nothing going into the right net. Mid-way through the second half came the closest moment so far. The Beaconsfield goalie had a tendancy to stand way off his line when the Romford goalkeeper had the ball. So, with the rain still pouring down, and the grass getting wetter, the ball was launched downfield. Too far in front of the forwards, it was flying aimlessly through to the Beaconsfield keeper, when he realised he had misjudged the flight of the ball. As it bounced over his head, he turned and scampered back to his own goal, and probably wouldn’t have made it in time if it had been on target. Instead it went a few inches wide, and my chance of seeing a goalkeeper score disappeared for another game. After that, he stayed on his line. Funny that.

Game 3 – Monday 30th August – Ryman Premier League, AFC Hornchurch 2 Wealdstone 1
I live in a town which is about equal distance between Dagenham and Hornchurch. If things had turned out different, I might have been a Hornchurch fan. As it was, I went to Dagenham first, and that was that. I still like to take in the occasional game at Hornchurch, but I know where my loyalties lie.

On the August bank holiday weekend, there is the Havering Town Show which takes over about a third of the local park. This year the star attractions were Stacey Soloman, one half of Chas and Dave, and Gerry and the Pacemakers. The chance to see that lot perform was tempting, but in the end a visit to a game won the day.

One consequence of our promotion in 2007 was that we lost the Bank Holiday game that we played while we were outside the football league. This has lead to some fun days out (beating Canvey away in 2005 in the blazing sunshine was quite good), and some abject days, like losing at Crawley in a year earlier. As the football league clubs don’t play, I tend to look around and see what else is going on. And this year, Hornchurch were the lucky recipients of my £9.

As you’re reading this, you will probably already have read about Stuart’s trip to Hornchurch earlier in August, so I won’t bore you with the details again. It was suffice to say that the first half of this one wasn’t the best, and only woke up when Wealdstone took the lead. Hornchurch fought back quite well, equalised from a penalty, which was either harsh, or definite, depending on a) where you were standing in the ground, and b) which team you supported. Just a couple of minutes after getting level, a neat finish from Leon Hunter put them in front and proved to be the winner.

Game 4 – Tuesday 31st August – JPT 1st round, Charlton Athletic 1 Dagenham & Redbridge 0
One of the things that almost all daggers fans looked forward to when we got promoted was the trip to Charlton, and the chance to visit past glories. Well, glory, as we had only visited once, and that was way back in 2001. But that was the FA Cup, and it was one of those rare occasions when the nation sits up and takes notice of a small team and their heroic exploits against a big club; the daggers (from the conference) held Premier League Charlton to a 1-1 draw, with the home team needing a late deflected equaliser from John Salako to save themselves.

Although the league visit in a month’s time is still being looked forward to, it did take a little bit of the gloss off it, when we were drawn together in the Football League Trophy. This competition is generally played in stadiums that are half empty at best, and it doesn’t seem to be taken that seriously by the teams competing either. So much so that a few years ago, a rule was introduced, saying that a certain amount of the players picked for a starting eleven had to have played the previous league game.

Cup competitions can be seen as a distraction; you only need to look at some Premier League selections for both the League and FA Cup competitions to see that. For me, they have always been a good thing, as a win in a knock out competition can help league form. When the club reached the fourth round of the FA Cup in 2003, it was in the middle of an eleven game winning run that moved us from mid-table to a play off position.

Of course, a home draw would have been better, but aside from the Essex Senior Cup, that doesn’t seem to happen. In what must be getting close to some kind of record, this was our ninth consecutive away draw in a cup competition. For the record, the last home game we were given in a cup game was in this competition, two years ago, when we beat Barnet. If anyone knows of a longer run, please let me know.

As I mentioned previously, there was now an added edge to the game, with our main striker, Paul Benson, having joined Charlton just the day before. Lots of pre-match chatter was about whether or not he would start (which he did), and what the reaction of the away support would be. Many had him down to score (which he didn’t), although he did get close on a few occasions. The chant of “what a waste of money” bought a smile from the player himself, and lots of happy laughter from the away fans.

The game itself though showed up just how tough it is going to be this season. A bit on the lightweight side up front, we coped well defensively, and in Chris Lewington, seem to have a back-up goalkeeper who is better than those we have had in the past. But the flaws are there for everyone to see. Goals could be a problem this year, and selling your best striker is not going to help. The manager though, has always got a plan and hopefully this will be no different. Otherwise this diary could get quite morbid. In (John) Still we trust!

Of course I immediately checked fixtures for all known sports to see what I can sneak in. Well, as we will find out you cannot sneak in a game in the US – a simple 60 minute NFL game for instance is a 3 to 4 hour affair. I had hoped for a New York Red Bulls game or a Yankees baseball game but was out of luck, sort of. Red Bulls were at home but with a 7.30pm kick off on Saturday night I do not think CMF would have been happy if I would have left the wedding reception to go to the game.

So I had to settle for a trip out to CitiField to get a New York Mets game on Sunday afternoon. New York is going through a bit of a sporting boom again with new stadiums popping up all over the place. Last year both the Yankees and the Mets moved into new “ball parks”, Red Bulls christened their new stadium with a game against Spurs last month, and next weekend the new 90,000 seater Giants stadium will open its doors as the new American football season starts.

Friday night was a chance for everyone to catch up. Over thirty people had flown in from the UK for the event and so after a few drinks we headed off down to Chinatown, and the legendary Joe Shanghai’s for soup dumplings – literally dumpling filled with soup that unless you are prepared will shoot scolding hot soup all over you on first bite. So good is this restaurant that we had to queue for nearly 30 minutes to get it. It is similar to the infamous Wong Kei restaurant in London with fast turnaround of diners, shared tables and no finesse. But the food was bloody great, and a few Tsingtao beers went down very nicely. Next up was the Back Door bar, somewhere close to the East river. Pass under a sign for the East River Toy Company, down a dark alley, up some steps and then give a secret knock and you are in. Bottled beer is served in brown paper bags, draft beer in coffee mugs and spirits in tea cups for that authentic prohibition feel.

So after a fantastic day of shopping and sightseeing on Saturday, we headed off to the wedding in Madison Square Park, which almost didn’t take place. The plan was to hold a very short ceremony in the park but as soon as a bunch of well dressed guests turned up in the middle of a roasting hot day we sort of drew attention to ourselves. And when that happens anywhere in the US you can be sure that within seconds a man with a gun will turn up. You simply cannot walk into a park and decide to get married. Whilst it was licensed to hold the ceremony, you needed a permit, and the permit was with the bride, who hadn’t yet arrived. So we stood waiting, with a couple of park cops watching our every move just in case we tried to sneak the ceremony in.

However, a quick call from the bride to the powers that be and the wedding went ahead in the shadow of the Flatiron (did you know it is actually called the Fuller building?) before we ended up partying in a loft apartment somewhere near the Hudson River. So Sunday saw us wake up in a delicate state and head down to Pier 11 where a free, yes that is FREE, river taxi would take us up the East River and around to the top of Queens where the new CitiField is located.

The new stadium replaced Shea stadium back in 2009, being built next door before the old one that had so much history was torn down. The Shea was best remembered for a single concert – on 15th August 1965 the Beatles played to a then record 55,600 screaming fans. Now here are two bits of trivia for you. Firstly, the Beatles only played 12 songs on that night and were on stage less than 45 minutes. Unable to hear each other the concert became pointless, but went down in history. A year later they returned to play another sell out concert which was the be their fourth last ever concert (for the record their last one was on 29th August 1966 in San Francisco).

The boat trip was a fantastic way of seeing the Manhattan skyline from a different view, and taking the hair of the dog as medicine, the trip was a pleasure. We docked on Queens Marina, a five minute walk away from the stadium. I am not going to bore you with the ball by ball details of the game, but here are my five observations on US sport based on my afternoon at the game.

1. The actual game itself is a distraction to the whole day – Having seen all types of US sport and partaken in the pre-match entertainment you can understand why they make a whole of it. Fans get to games, such as this baseball game 4 HOURS before kick off to fire up the grills in the car park and crack open some Bud Lites (just as horrible in terms of taste but only half the calories!). They take their seats about an hour before, although there are reasons for this. For instance, this game was designated the “Build a Bear Workshop Family day” which mean that the first 20,000 fans through the turnstiles all got a limited edition Build a Bear free. Next week it is fleece blanket day. eBay must have been kept in business solely through these give-aways in the past few years.

During the actual game itself, the ridiculous amounts of breaks in play allow the clubs to try and keep the fans amused. The fans cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time. The amount of distracts to an English soccer fan is hard to believe. Baseball is a fluid game – each team can bat for fifteen or more minutes per innings, or it can be as little as two minutes. Times that by eighteen and you have a full match that can last for up to four hours. The simple reason for this is the amount of breaks in play. The clubs want you to spend as much money in the stadium as possible and that means stopping the game every few minutes so you can buy your pizza, pasta, chicken, hot dogs, corn dogs or simply just lumps of fried dough. Want a beer? Sure you do, but woe betide anyone who turns up without ID. I am 40 years old, currently looking older, yet I have to show my ID to get a beer. I can buy as much cholesterol loaded fried dough as I want though but not weak gassy alcohol. Every break in the game was some kind of competition. “Today’s ridiculous hat winner is Freddie Sanchez (queue picture of Freddie looking like a dork) who wins a gift card to Hats-r-us, the Mets official novelty hat supplier”, “Today’s best use of the word Awesome goes to Awesome Andy Andersen who wins some naff baseball cards”. I think you get the picture.

2. It’s all about the Stats – All US sports are dominated by stats. Look at any American Football game and it is all about the win/loss ration – The Giants are 3 and 2 meaning they have won more than they have lost. Why not say they just have 6 points? Any new batsman coming up to the square to face the next ball had his whole record plastered over the screen. Apparently David Wright was .276 – what does that mean? I can work out what HR’s were but based on the stats I could see for one of the Mets best players he hit the ball every fourth ball, and then every ninth ball he actually ran to first base without being run out. And he is probably paid $10million per annum for doing that. So what does this mean?

1st innings – Groundout (3 and 2)
3rd innings – Caught leftfield
5th innings – Run to midfield
7th innings – Flyball to left field

And how do the fixtures work? The league is split into two halves (as too is the MLS and the NFL) – the National League and the American League. It is then further divided into three apparent regional divisions. However, teams don’t just play teams from their own division, they play all over the shop. So the Mets being in a division with teams from Atlanta, Florida, Washington and Philadelphia, but will then play the teams from the Central and West leagues, yet their points are added to the East group. So its like Chelsea playing in the Champions league Group stages with Barcelona, Ajax and AC Milan but earning their points by playing Real Madrid, PSV and Inter.

3. Ticket prices – When the new Yankee stadium opened its doors last year it did so with less of a capacity than the old one, but more importantly with the highest average ticket price in any American sport, giving the likes of Chelsea, West Ham (Have I mentioned that its £37 for a child for the game against Chelsea in two weeks?), Barcelona and Real Madrid a run for their money. Sure, minimum price tickets start from $23 but these are in the “bleachers” – the area of the stadium we would refer to as “in the Gods”. Prices cascade down from here to over $400 for a spot behind the plate. Whilst the new Mets and Yankee stadiums are impressive, neither provides much protection from the weather nor are in the easiest areas to get to. On our scorching hot Sunday afternoon, less than 10% of the stadium offered any shade. If it was a very wet April night then again less than 10% would stay dry. My advice – buy the cheapest ticket and then half way through the game simply wander down to any other section and sit there. I am sure in some states that is a crime punishable by 5 years of hard labour, but so far so good in terms of getting away with it.

4. If it moves, sponsor it – In a car crash in New York? Well head to the Hospital of Specialist Surgery, the “Official hospital of the Mets”. And on your way, dont forget to phone the Official Civil Litigation partner of the Mets, perhaps using the Official Cellphone Provider of the Mets. Everything that can be sponsored, is. Simple as that. The clubs offer sponsorship packages for absolutely everything. Before each game the oh so sincere players appear on the screen with various endorsements to the “best fans in the world”. Again, another unsubstantiated claim that is designed to pamper the fans egos. Just to show my resentment at this I drank a Hoegarden which certainly wasn’t the official beer (Budweiser in case you wanted to know) and ate a non-sponsored hot dog instead of a Nathan’s, which as you guessed is the Official Hot Dog of the Mets.

5. Who really cares who wins – Baseball is played almost every day of the week for five months of the year. Most teams play games in a “series” – three games on consecutive days against the same team in the same venue. I once spent a very wet weekend in Seattle where thanks to a strike I ended up going to see the Seattle Mariners play three nights in a row. At the time they were the worst team in the league and whilst the first night was a novelty, by the third night the crowd of less than 5,000 seemed bored out of their heads by the only show in town. Fans are not passionate – they cheer at the right moments, but if their team get stuffed they simply tuck into another corn dog or clam chowder and shrug it off. Perhaps that is the right attitude to have. It was strange wandering around the stadium and seeing so many fans sporting Yankees merchandise. Imagine a Spurs fan with his overpriced Puma shirt on wandering around the Emirates whilst Arsenal bored West Ham.

The Mets scored four “runs” off one hit – called a home run with the bases loaded if you wanted to know – meaning that the other one hundred or so produced virtually nothing. There was a big cheer, a few whoops but in general the crowd saw the game as a distraction. A few years ago I was lucky enough to get a ticket to see the Yankees play Boston Red Sox. Apparently this was the game that would have the most atmosphere as the clubs and fans hated each other. After Boston took a 8-0 lead with just over half the game played, what did the Yankees fans do? Nothing? No cheering of encouragement, no booing of disgust, nothing but apathy. This game came off the back of an even bigger defeat the night before as well. Everyone simply talked up the game the next night (which the Yankees also got stuffed in). But is this the future model of sport where the game is the most important aspect and not the result?

For the record the New York Mets beat the Houston Astros 5-1. Their star player, Carlos Beltran, who is paid $17million per season to basically hit a ball once or twice with little effect. Fielding is hardly a skill in the game with each player holding a huge mit that makes dropping a cap almost impossible. Sure, the pitcher is the one player who has to have an element of skill – he has the power to win or lose a game and in the current climate of the potential match fixing scandal surrounding the Pakistan cricket team you can see the vulnerability of this position in determining outcomes of games. Few other players actually made a telling contribution.

Before I get a torrent of abuse from our US readers about the above I did actually enjoy the afternoon. We had one of the few seats in the shade, the Build a Bear Teddy’s made ideal gifts for the little Fullers, we ate our way through the various menus and enjoyed a beer or two. The journey to the stadium by boat was fantastic, and the air conditioned subway train on the way back was perfect on such a hot day. But could I do this two or three days in a row? Not at all. Firstly the cost is prohibitive – a ticket in the cheapest seats plus transport plus some basic refreshments will cost the best part of $40. They play 81 home games minimum – so that is over $3200! Secondly I would find it hard to prepare myself for such a commercial onslaught on more than one occasion per week. And finally there are better things to do in New York than just watch sport – yes you heard me right. I am saying that sport is not everything. At this point I am ending this piece, jumping on a flight from JFK and hoping to restore my football mojo with a trip to a FA Cup Preliminary Round replay where I will pay £5 to get in and not have to worry about my prostate or whether I show take Uriniflow, the official Prostate treatment of xyz franchise.

More pictures from the game can be seen here.

Garry played over 640 games in a career spanning 18 years and is probably best remembered during his Charlton Athletic days where he wrote his first book, Left Foot Forward. He then followed this up with Left Foot in the Grave during his time at Torquay United. We caught up with him whilst he was giving Tommy Walsh a run for his money in building a log cabin in his garden.

How is the left foot these days? Still putting in those crosses for a Carl Leaburn to miss time his jump?
The left foot is still working well thanks – playing in the odd Charlton Vets game, most weeks in the Premier Division of the Southend Borough Combination Vets League (there are 5 divisions) for Old Southendian and still managing to play in the Hong Kong Soccer 7’s Masters Competition for Kowloon Cricket Club.

I have failed to find a fan who has a bad word to say about you as a player or manager (apart from Crystal Palace fans of course), what three words summed up your approach to the game?
Enthusiasm, Energy and Endurance

You started your career off at 18 with Southend United. Coming from Braintree was this a childhood dream being at the time (and potentially still) the “Biggest club in Essex”?
No it would have been playing at Goodison Park for Everton (my family moved from Liverpool in 1960 to Braintree) the team I still support today. I grew up in the Southend Area so it was more of a pull at the time than the other team that had been courting me, Colchester United.

Whilst you were not a “journeyman”, you played for a few clubs. At which club did you really feel at home?
I would have to say Plymouth Argyle, Brighton & Hove Albion (for most of my time there) and most definitely Charlton Athletic.

What was the best team you played with and why?
There are several ways to look at this question. The best team because that is exactly what we were, was Plymouth Argyle when we won promotion in 1985-86. We had no superstars and we all got on both on and off the field. We gained promotion from a very small squad with each player maximising their individual and collective potential. As a collection of great players I have to say that when I first joined Charlton Athletic I thought they had some really good players, technically better than the players I had played with before and to be honest I was a bit worried whether I would get a regular game. Whilst I wasn’t one of the more gifted technical players it was great to see how much they appreciated my overall contribution within the team and that certainly helped me during some lengthy scoring droughts.

You started your career in the age of perimeter fences, football violence and mud bath pitches. Any occasions when you felt “sod this, I want to be somewhere else”?
I think my lowest ebb as a professional was when I was playing in Swindon’s Reserves in 1985 against Arsenal Reserves having been dropped the day before at Torquay having started every one of our league games. We lost 10-0, were totally outclassed and by the end totally humiliated too. Working in the real world now I have to say that I don’t think any job would have compared so was just part of the inevitable ups and downs.

We frequently chat to Alan Devonshire, who is now manager down at Hampton & Richmond. He saw you in your Brighton days as a competitor with him for the left wing for England. Did you ever think you would get a call up for the national team?
I think Alan may be thinking of someone else there because I think he was a few years older than me and I was never really in his class. I did have a couple of great seasons at Brighton and they did play an England B match v Italy B at the Goldstone during this time and there was a silly rumour going round saying I might make the squad as the local boy. Obviously the call never came but the crowd did do a very good rendition of “Nelson for England” in the second half!!

You wrote your first book whilst you are still playing at Charlton Athletic which prior to the situation today where players write a biography after a season in the Premier League is very rare. What made you decide to write “Left foot forward”?
I suppose having the opportunity with someone who had written before and knew the process and who gave me the belief that a book about a relative nobody would still have appeal. I am glad to say he was proved right.

Were Charlton in favour of the diary at the time? Were you tempted to write more in depth detail or do the fans/media simply over glorify the whole football player life?
I decided the best line of attack was to keep the writing of the book under wraps otherwise players may not have been relaxed in my company. I also decided that it wasn’t going to go into certain areas that could have provided sensational headlines (relatively) but ruined my hard-earned reputation as a good lad. I think that decision was the right decision and very few people had reason to fall out with me for anything I had said about them in the book.

As a player training for a few hours in the morning, what did you really get up to in the afternoons?
In the early stages, I played a lot of snooker (badly) then having children relatively young I was lucky to be able to spend a lot of time with them. In later years I went to college on day-release and then started to run a small business to gain a bit of insight into life after football. It didn’t prepare me that well actually but I made a little bit of money for a few years.

You hold a UEFA coaching licence, and have sampled Football League management. Why haven’t you ever considered staying in management?
I had a year in management at Torquay (as you can read about in Left Foot in the Grave) but was offered the chance of a longer lasting career with the PFA in London. I really love coaching and it is a disappointment that I don’t get the chance to coach other than some involvement in Hong Kong each May. Who knows one day I might get another chance to don the track-suit.

Does it make you sad to see most of your former clubs struggling in their respective leagues today?
I follow all of my former clubs and like to see them all do well. The situation at Southend is really disappointing at the moment and must be so frustrating for the fans that have turned out in great numbers in recent years. I know Steve Tilson pretty well and he didn’t deserve what eventually came to him but I am sure he will bounce back. Charlton’s predicament was a shock to everyone who saw the rise and rise of the club in the last 20 years and shows just how quickly it can all go south when so much is wrapped up into being in the Premiership.

Did you have an agent as a player? If so what did they actually do for you? And do you think they are a necessary evil in the game today?
No – I didn’t have an agent and if I needed advice I would always refer to the PFA. Agents have grown in prominence and influence and are now an integral part of the game. The money they earn is totally disproportionate to the work they do and whilst fans moan about how much players earn they would be really shocked about how much agents earn from deals.

As a former player and a qualified coach, what do you make of our abject failure in South Africa? How much is down to the manager?
I was, as the rest of the nation, bitterly disappointed and shocked at the level of performance achieved. Players looked jaded, out of sorts and clearly a lot must have been going on in the background as the players looked ill at ease with each other. Rooney was the biggest disappointment and I am a massive fan of his. I don’t think he was fit and therefore mentally wasn’t in a good place. The impact of that on the rest of the team was massive but no one team will win World Cup’s relying on their star player to perform.

Pre-season for top clubs now seems to involve flying half way around the world to moan about the weather. Where was the worst place you ended up playing pre-season?
That is a very easy one to answer – Bucharest just after the fall of Ceausescu in 1990. They took us for a Taste of Romania on our last night and we all came home with food poisoning!!

We are due to interview a Premier League footballer, a Celebrity Masterchef and a pornstar along with you this week – our virtual celebrity Big Brother House. As a fully fledged media star, what’s the unlikeliest situation you have ever been in?
Hiding under a market-stall in Dam Square, Amsterdam with Alan Curbishley as Dutch fans rioted after losing on pens in the semi-final of the Euro’s in 2000.We were there for a Snickers Football Promotion.

At what point did you decide to call it a day as a player and why?
May 1997 – after 18 years and a failing tendon in my right leg I was offered the job of heading up the London Office of the PFA rather than trying to perform on my dodgy leg in the 4th Division (as we used to know it) as Player-Coach of Torquay United.

I note today that Manchester City have taken their summer spending up to £80million. What is your take on their whole acquisition policy?
Aren’t they just trying to repeat what Chelsea, Real Madrid and Barcelona have done in the past few years? It’s sad and limits the development of some great young talent that always emerges from Manchester but it is reality at the very top of the game at the moment.

How often to you get to a game when you are not making log cabins in the garden?
I saw Charlton 6 times last year, Brighton 3 times, Southend 3 times and Arsenal once. I would like to go more often but the enthusiasm isn’t what it once was or should be but I counter that with the fact that I am still playing so the love for the game is I suppose still there – just about.

As a relative new Twitterer, in a 140 word Tweet, sum up Garry Nelson the player?
Whole-hearted player, who played with a smile and made the most of the talent he was given. Sweet left foot, who could make and score goals.

So modern professionals take note – you need to have something interesting to say before you start writing your egotistic autobiographies at the age of 22. Nobody wants to hear about your dull lives – give us the thoughts of a true professional any day. So ditch the “My story” and “Totally Frank” style books and get yourself a copy of Garry’s books. I am sure all Brighton, Charlton, Plymouth, Southend, Swindon, Torquay (and a few Notts County) fans will raise a glass in your honour.

The man behind the camera is none other than legendary screen writer and now co-owner of Lewes FC Patrick Marber.

So to put the myths to bed, let’s head on over to E13 and see what goes on during a match at Upton Park.

To many fans you are Mr West Ham. A matchday is not the same with you on the mic on the edge of the pitch. West Ham is known to have a few famous fans (Russell Brand, Kiera Knightly, Ray Winstone and Courtney Mitchell from Eastenders) so who is most famous in your phone?
Tommy Docherty who I used to co-present with on TalkSport

You did the stadium announcing in the background for FIFA07. Did you slip in a few ficticious names? And were you tempted to mention Mr Moon?
I’ve been the voice on FIFA 06 The Road to the World Cup, FIFA 07, FIFA 08, FIFA 09 and FIFA 10. I’m waiting to hear I’m on FIFA 11. I usually slip ten announcements of my own into every game. Mr Moon arrives and departs on FIFA 10. Every car I’ve ever owned has left it’s lights on or is illegally parked in one or other of the games. I’ve also mentioned friends as lost kids and congratulated colleagues on their weddings.

Talking of our astrological friend, Do you ever find out why Mr Moon is in the ground?
The legend of Mr Moon is shrouded in secrecy. He doesn’t usually stay very long and then he goes. I think he’s a fair-weather fan.

Your background is in radio presenting – including a prestigous Sony award. So what is the biggest gaffe you have made on air?
Before they were famous I introduced a song by The La’s calling them The L.A.s

I am sure most fans think you simply turn up at 2.55pm on a Saturday, grab your mic and stand by the pitch. Now is your chance to debunk that myth. What does you typical matchday look like?
I have a meeting four hours before kick off with the rest of the matchday team. That’s 11am on a normal Saturday.

What about research on the players – “making his 150th game for the Hammers today is…” who does that for you?
I do my own research.

Do you ever meet up with your fellow announcers to swap tips? And have you ever been asked to “fill in” at a game when the regular announcer loses his voice?
There’s never been an official meeting of announcers, but I know a few socially. We all do things differently.

I was once asked to announce at Leyton Orient when their man was not available. They’d been given permission to approach me by West Ham. I turned it down, because I’m not an Orient supporter. I often went to watch them as a kid, but it’s not the same as being a fan.

The only other announcer’s job I’d consider would be England. I did have talks about being the England announcer when the new Wembley was being built, but they decided to go with the Manchester United announcer, who’d done a fine job when England played games at Old Trafford.

Maybe I’ll get the call up one day. I did the second half when England played Australia at the Boleyn Ground, because the former England announcer left early to go to his sister’s party. Australia were two nil up at half time. We won my half by a goal to nil and I announced the debut appearance of a young Wayne Rooney.

What is the strangest request that has ever been handed to you to announce?
I’ve had lots of wives go into labour during games. I don’t announce them as they are obviously wind-ups, especially as they usually happen during Sky games when people sitting at home can hear them.

I also have to look out for birthday messages for people with names like Mike Hunt or Hugh Janus.

Have you ever been in involved in a bet to slip in a particular word or song title. a few years ago working at Twickenham we managed to slip in the word Pengiun for a £50 bet.
Not as a stadium announcer, but we used to do it in football commentaries during my local radio days. I remember fitting the word ‘leg-over’ into a commentary and nearly losing it.

Real Madrid famously gave its employees and accredited press a branded fold away bike for a Christmas present a few years ago. What is a typical West Ham gift?
I’ve always wanted a Brompton folding bike, but no luck so far. For the first few years in the job, I was given a West Ham desk diary every Christmas. I don’t think I’ve had anything recently. You may not have heard, but we’ve been in a bit of financial trouble, so belts are being tightened and rightly so.

Being a consummate professional I assume that a pre-match beer is a complete no no?
Yes I never drink when I’m broadcasting, speaking or announcing. Afterwards I’ll have a cider or a vodka. I have a gluten intolerance so beer is out. As a member of the London media set, it’s expected that you have some sort of fashionable allergy, so I chose gluten.

You were born in East London so when did you first taste the matchday atmosphere at West Ham, and did you hear the announcer at the time and say “Dad, one day that will be me”?
I was born in Cambridgeshire and moved to Clayhall in East London when I was six. I was very shy as a kid, so I don’t think I would have dreamt of becoming the announcer.

What is the best part of your job? I assume the worst it picking off Sir Alex Ferguson’s chewing gum from your shoes after we’ve played Manchester United?
The best bit is announcing a West Ham goal. We’re all going nuts but I’m the only one of the thousands who’s got a microphone. I know when I announce the goalscorer, everyone will cheer. That’s a real buzz.

Do you go to away games, and if so do you sit with the hob nobs?
Because of the gluten intolerance I’m afraid hob nobs are out. Which is a shame as I really liked the chocolate ones.

Being an after dinner speaker and events host, I’m busy at weekends. As it is I pass on a lot of gigs to fellow speakers, because of West Ham home games. I mainly speak in the South East, so the away games I can usually fit in with an evening event are Arsenal, Tottenham, Fulham and Chelsea.

Last year you spoke with our good chums at WestHam Process. You made a couple of predictions I’d like to remind you of – “Savio was class” and West Ham would finish in the Europa League spots and maybe a club…Remind me never to ask for a Grand National prediction! So this season what are the expectations?
The Savio quote was, ‘I haven’t seen him much, but the word is, he’s going to be class’. The Europa League quote was, ‘can see us with a fully fit side again pushing for one of the Europa League spots’.

Clearly we had horrendous injury problems. Whoever said Savio was going to be class must have been meant he was still in a class, as he looked like a boy out of his depth to me.

When West Ham sign someone new, how do you get to know them? Does anyone introduce them to you?
I usually just go up to them and say hello.

A move to the new Olympic Stadium or a redeveloped Chicken Run?
I was married in 2006 at the Boleyn Ground, so it’s going to be a wrench to see it go, but it has to be the Olympic Stadium. I went on a tour round the site with a TV crew recently with Olympic triple-jump champion Jonathan Edwards. It’s hard not to be excited about it when you see it. The travel links are going to be brilliant. It will hold more spectators and it will give us the clout to take on Spurs and Arsenal.

When you worked for BBC Radio Nottingham, Brian Clough hit you. Ever been assaulted by any other famous people?
Cloughie is the only one to have punched me, but we had a laugh about it later and he’s still one of my heroes. I’ve had run-ins with Matthew Kelly, Christopher Lee, Gordon Strachan and a few others, but nothing physical.

Some people may not know that West Ham is only part of your working life. You also own a company that prepares people for life in the media spotlight. Any interesting names that you have trained and then seen them demonstrate the skills on TV?
I devised a system called Talking Toolbox, which teaches speaking skills for TV, radio and live audiences.

I coach people who are going to be interviewed on TV or radio and know want to come across well. I’ve coached a lot of people in public life. I don’t think they’d thank me if I revealed their names.

I also run training sessions on how to add humour to business presentations. This came about after years of listening to boring business speakers in my role as a business events compere. You can find out more about my training sessions at www.TalkingToolbox.com

I also wrote a book called MediaMasters which is interviews with 26 people in the public eye who I think are masters of the media. There’s a couple of Hammers in there, Phill Jupitus and Iain Dale.

I’m still doing TV reporting for East Midlands Today, Inside Out, BBC News Channel and various other outlets. My forte is the And Finally feature. It’s the bit at the end of the bulletin that sends you to bed smiling, forgetting the politics and murder at the start of the news.

My favourite reports are David Beckham’s head on a melon, the crossbow divorce couple and the Face of Elvis on a piece of Stilton cheese. You can see them all on my website.

Jeremy Nicholas has been the West Ham United stadium announcer since 1998. During the season we will also be featuring the “Jeremy Nicholas Column on the blog – the thoughts and reactions from everything going on in football, and not just at Upton Park. You can read his blog about West Ham here as well as his regular column that will be featured on these very pages. Hats off to Jeremy!

Back in 2002 I stumbled across a book that changed the way I watched football. I was browsing in Borders in Charing Cross Road one day after work and I picked up a book by Charlie Connelly called Stamping Grounds. The first thing I noted was that it appeared Charlie came from my neck of the woods – South East London, the second was it was a book about travelling to watch football, which just so happened to be my favourite past time. In the previous two years I had “done” Barcelona, Milan, Madrid, the European Championships and had the World Cup in South Korea on the horizon. I was an old hand at it. But this book was about travelling to watch football in a place I could not even locate on a map – Liechtenstein. It was his story of deciding to follow the tiny Alpine nation in their quest to qualify for the 2002 World Cup. Few books in life truly inspire you but here was one that did just that. I was by now a seasoned European traveller, having been to the San Siro, Camp Nou and Olympic Stadium in Munich but the booked opened my eyes into the intimacy in following the underdog, the teams no one had heard of.

I came back from the 2002 World Cup a changed man after reading the book and the first thing on my agenda was to plan a trip for myself to the little principality in the mountains. I ended up going back a year later I loved the peace and quiet of the place so much. On my first occasion in September 2003 I saw them play Turkey, on a foul night with rain pouring down the mountain side. It was also my first ever game as a member of the press, and following in Charlie’s footsteps went to the tiny office of the Liechtenstein FA to get our pass and personally be greeted by the whole office. The game itself was nothing to write home about – a 3-0 defeat went to form.

Home coach Walter Hormann knew a thing or two about football when he said after the game ‘I think these Turkish players will be the top in Europe if they carry on like this. I was satisfied with my team. Losing only three goals was a good result for us against this team. We just could not cope with them. It was impossible to stop them when they had the ball.’

Two years to the day of my last visit I pulled our hire car into the car park of the Hotel Sonnerhof, Liechtenstein’s most prestigious venue. This was an early birthday treat for CMF. Champagne was on ice and we sat on the terrace watching one of those scary automatic lawnmowers do its business whilst the silent Alps enveloped us. I had managed to get agreement to take in the game later in the evening as Luxembourg were visitors in a qualification game for Germany 2006. About two hours before kick off we heard the distinct sound of football chanting from the “town” centre. Surely there couldn’t be any passionate fans gathering for a beer already? Our curiousity got the better of us so we headed through Harry Zech’s vineyards and into the main street (there essentially is only one street for pedestrians) where a rowdy group of 4, yep I stopped and recounted them twice, Luxembourg fans were having a beer and a little sing song. The noise was enough to warrant the local police coming down to “have a word” but it was all in good nature….

So what made this trip so memorable? Well apart from spending time with my lovely wife, we saw history. For that night, goals by national hero Mario Frick, Benjamin Fischer and Thomas Beck in front of just under 1,000 fans saw Liechtenstein record only their second ever competitive victory at home in their history. It was also the first time that they had competed a “double” over anyone, having beaten Luxembourg 4-0 away and ensured that they would not finish bottom of the qualifying group for the first time ever. We celebrated into the night in carneval style as the locals went wild. Well not quite. The residents in the hotel hardly knew there was a game on, although they had been asked to keep the restaurant open for the officials (including us).

So after a peaceful night (what else would you expect), we set off for a day of sightseeing around the country. Not many places in the world you can say that! We started off in the centre of Vaduz, getting our passport stamped in the tourist office (number 1 on anyone destination lists), then saw the false teeth display next door before stopping in the Baron’s souvenir shop to buy some tat – snow globes always go down as gifts for those who have everything and you don’t really like. We dropped by the FA’s offices just to say thank you, and they presented us (well me) with a team shirt – not just your everyday replica either – one with that fancy mesh on the inside that is designed to trick players who take their shirts off to celebrate. Football shirt culture may come and go but such a historical item will one day be a hierloom for the Fuller dynasty and has rightly taken its place in the TBIR museum (aka the shed).

We headed up towards the castle, not open to visitors but still commanding a great photo opportunity across the valley. We stood there in relative peace for a minute or so before we heard some lustful moans coming from the car park behind us. Trying to be discreet we turned to see a bloke, dressed in what looked like an Alpine ski outfit, with bobble hat on, peering into the open window of a car (a Opel if you are even more curious) where a woman was bouncing up and down, almost slapping her spectator in the face with her ample boobs. I assume somewhere under the mass of fat was a bloke, although judging by her furious bouncing I would hate to think what state he would have been in! I explained as best I could to CMF what the practice of Dogging was and where the term originated from but she simply didn’t believe me. As if by magic, the man in the ski suit turned slightly to reveal a dog on a lead – I thank you!

It was hard to pull ourselves away (note I refrained from using the word “off” in that instance) but it was hardly a Silvia Saint or a Rita Faltoyano production so we continued to climb the mountain. Just a few hundred yards up the hill we saw a site that chilled us to the bone. Coming down the path was a group of Nuns. This was like something out of the Sound of Music…at the front of the group, the “leader of the pack” was singing and dancing…every few seconds the rest joined in with a clap. What a lovely scene – so happy in life, in a perfect setting and just about to see a huge naked women being shagged in a car watched by a bloke in a tight lycra ski suit…and his dog. Did we say anything, should we have said anything? Of course we didn’t we just carried on our way at great speed! What an end to a perfect trip!

For a number of reasons we think the Rheinpark stadion is one of the best in the world – but don’t just take my word for it, listen to what Liechtenstein’s most famous scribe has to say – ladies and gentlemen – I give you Charlie Connelly, author of “the finest book ever written about Liechtenstein football” (not my words, but those of When Saturday Comes), Stamping Grounds.

This in his own words, is Charlie’s story…..

The book that started the whole adventure was called “The Little Tour: Andorra, Monaco, Liechtenstein and San Marino” written by Giles Playfair in years gone by. So why did you choose Liechtenstein from that?
“It was purely that I’d bought the book on a whim in a second hand shop on the same day I’d read in the paper that Liechtenstein had conceded the quickest goal of the World Cup qualifying round the previous evening, sixteen seconds into their game in Israel. I put two and two together and got Liechtenstein, but then I was never any good at maths. It’s a bizarre book that one: like a cross between The Lady Vanishes and The Mouse That Roared starring Terry-Thomas and Ian Carmichael.”

Liechtenstein is not known for its tourist properties. Having spent so long in the country, what would be your one “must see” tourist attraction, McDonald’s excepted?
“There’s going to the pub with Ernst Hasler of course, but in terms of a more conventional attraction… the castle above Vaduz looks quite nice, I suppose. You can’t go in it though”

When you first went there, did you get a Liechtenstein stamp in your passport from the tourist office?
“I did of course, although that passport has long expired now. It also had my entry visa for the Principality of Sealand too – I’m prepared to wager that mine was the only passport in the world bearing those two stamps.”

When you decided on Liechtenstein and then looked at their qualifying group did you really expect them to lose every game in that qualifying ground?
“Before I went I thought it was quite likely, yes. Their performance in the first home game against Austria though, when they only lost 0-1, made me think they were capable of at least a draw against one or two other teams in the group, maybe more than a draw. They were well-organised, particularly defensively, and I thought if they could just have a bit more confidence in themselves going forward goals were not out of the question.”

You showed almost totally loyalty to them, spending a fortune on a last minute trip to the game in Spain. Have you seen them again since the book was published?
“Quite a few times, yes. I’m still in touch with a lot of the people from the book, so get to games when I can. I even went to see FC Vaduz in a UEFA Cup tie at Livingston a while back, where they were robbed by a ‘Clive Thomas’ moment – a last gasp ‘winner’ was ruled out when the ref blew for full time between the ball leaving the player’s boot and crossing the goalline meaning Vaduz went out on away goals. Scandalous. Me and my mate Matt were the only Vaduz fans in the ground. We contemplated attacking the referee and goading the local fans and police into, you know, ‘having some’, but decided it probably wasn’t worth it.”

We have always rated the Rheinpark stadium as our favourite in the world simply for a location that cannot be beaten. Where would you place it in your list of grounds visited?
“In terms of location it’s well up there, yes. My favourite ground on that score would be EB/Streymur in the Faroe Islands, on one of the more remote islands right by the sea with mountains all around; it’s like the football ground at the end of the world. The old national stadium there at Toftir was great too, a ground that was actually dynamited out of the hillside to create a flat enough surface to play on. I’ve been to the Olympic stadium in Sarajevo a few times too, and am quite partial to that as it’s one of my favourite cities in the world. I literally bumped into Sepp Blatter there once on the pitch at a gloriously disorganised ‘Football For Peace’ friendly game. Platini gave me a filthy look. I gave him one back. I certainly wasn’t at home to Mister Snooty, I can tell you.”

Being a Charlton Athletic fan and all that comes with it today, are you now used to that hopeless feeling in following the perennial underdog?
“Oof, when your first season as a Charlton fan sees them relegated from the old Second Division by a mile, you don’t have to get used to the hopeless feeling, it’s there right from the start.”

Based on the Liechtenstein team you watched back in 2000, what level of team were they? Barnet? Gravesend & Northfleet (I refuse to call them Ebbsfleet)? Welling United? Thamesmead United?
“It’s impossible to say, really. When you can play the big teams in Europe (and sometimes England too) and regularly only lose by one or two goals then you’ve got to have something. But then when you’re only playing a handful of games a year you’re going to raise your game accordingly I suppose. There are some very good players there – Mario played several seasons in Serie A – and the team now is almost entirely professional. On the evidence of the games I saw I’d say they’d be capable of holding their own in League One, maybe.”

Was you ever tempted to stay at the Park Hotel Sonnerhof overlooking Vaduz? We have stayed there twice complete with its fancy robot-like lawnmowers, and even dined next to Sepp Blatter one night
“Ooh, posh. Get you. No, I preferred keeping it real in the ghetto down in the valley.”

Harry Zech esssential gave up the game to concentrate on his winemaking. How good is his wine?
“Very good. Seriously. It even travels well: sometimes when you have a great bottle of wine or a fantastic beer the location has a lot to do with it, as I found to my cost when I spent a lot of money ordering a case of tremendous wine I’d had on a terrace overlooking the vines at a Yarra Valley winery in Australia once only to find that in south London it was pretty ordinary. Same with Uzbek beer. Harry’s wine tastes as good outside Liechtenstein as it does inside though.”

You must take some responsibility for putting the country back on the map since the book was published. Have you been back and if so did you get an open top bus procession through Vaduz?
“I go back quite a lot as I’ve still got friends there as a result of the book. It’s more the players and Ernst Hasler who gets the recognition: I think Ernst has actually signed more copies of the book than I have.”

Have you ever thought of turning the book into a film, and who would you want to play you? Peter Sellers would have been perfect to play Ernst Hasler.
“Ha! Yes, he would. For me it would need to be someone with an outsized head, short legs and a penchant for slapstick. WC Fields would have been good, I’d say.”

Did you ever meet the Prince Hans Adam II?
“Yes, on Liechtenstein National Day once. I made a tit of myself, predictably.”

What was your best memory of the whole adventure?
“If I had to pick one it would have to be the Spain game. Playing one of the best teams in the world and playing out of their skins to ‘only’ lose 0-2: the elation at the final whistle was extraordinary, as if Liechtenstein had won the World Cup itself. I was on as much of a high as the players and fans, grinning like a loon for days afterwards.”

A night out in Sidcup or Vaduz?
“That’s very kind of you, but I’m spoken for.”

Out of all the small nations, Liechtenstein probably stand the most chance of moving up to the next level. Do you think that this is due to their league structure with their teams being able to compete in the stronger Swiss league rather than their own. Surely this is the only way someone like Scotland could improve?
“It’s possible, but most of the clubs are in the lower divisions in Switzerland which wouldn’t be all that great in terms of quality. Vaduz, by far the strongest team in Liechtenstein, only recently broke into the Swiss top flight for the first time. I think the secret, if there is one, lies in the coaching: identifying your strengths and weaknesses and adapting to them accordingly. Liechtenstein’s coaching structure is very good, right the way down to the kids. Also, moving Scottish clubs to Switzerland would be pretty expensive for the fans. Ha! This is a joke I am making.”

Did you see any crime whatsoever in Liechtenstein. We were once frowned at for sneezing in one of the cafe’s in the pedestrian street, and on one hot day in September I was told off for standing in one of the fountains.
“The only crime I saw in Liechtenstein was when the England fans arrived for the Euro 2004 qualifier and started smashing things up and fighting with each other. Ernst Hasler’s late night, beer-fuelled singing is pretty criminal, but other than that, no, it’s a happy little crime-free nation. Well, I can’t vouch for what goes on behind the doors of some of the banks, but you know what I mean. I must try standing in a fountain, it might get my picture in the papers.”

If you could do it all again, what would you change?
“Probably the performance in the last game in Bosnia. Didn’t exactly leave the campaign on a high that night. Also my hairstyle wasn’t great back then; I think I was doing it myself with a set of clippers. I’d change that in hindsight.”

Did you ever get so engrossed with the team that you referred to them as “we” when you were back at home?
“Oh goodness, yes. Still do”

New Zealand were one of the surprises of the World Cup yet are probably at the same level as Liechtenstein. Do you think there is mileage in having a world tournament for the smaller teams – like a plate competition running parallel to a main one?
“No. For a start it wouldn’t be financially viable: no big TV network would be interested and sponsors wouldn’t exactly flock to a tournament where the showpiece final would be between, say, Uzbekistan and Liechtenstein (although, come to think of it, they are the only two double-landlocked countries in the world, fact fans). If it was going to run alongside the World Cup and European Championship qualifiers the strain on the calendar would be too much. If you mean the smaller nations competing in a separate competition altogether instead of the World Cup I’d be dead against that. The small nations have just as much right to be in the World Cup as the big nations and they’d be financially crippled if they were turfed out of the World Cup. Football should be a democracy: at the start of every World Cup each of the two hundred plus teams competing, be they major European nations with World Cup wins or Pacific islanders playing in front of 500 people should have a theoretically equal chance of winning it. That’s where the magic is.”

What are you up to now?
“I don’t write about football anymore; looking back, the Liechtenstein book was probably a therapeutic exercise in reassuring me that there was some magic left in football away from the Premier League and the places where cash is king. I moved to Ireland a couple of years ago so am following Charlton from afar, which is actually the best way to follow them these days. I’ve written a book called ‘Our Man In Hibernia: Ireland, the Irish and Me’ which comes out in September, part of which details how I’ve fallen for gaelic football and hurling since I’ve been here. Just waiting for Ireland and Liechtenstein to be drawn in the same group, although they’ve got Scotland this time:I’ve already been approached by some Scottish papers so you never know, I might end up writing about Liechtenstein again.”

We are very grateful to Charlie for sparing the time to chat and you can catch up with his adventures on Twitter.

So what was the other game I hear you ask…well that will remain a secret for a few more weeks, known only to me, Heney and a dozen Latvians.

The options for this year were endless (obviously bloody statement number 1) and our original plan took in a last minute pre-season friendly at Ramsgate FC before we were to head off to Lordswood FC for their game with Pagham at Martyn Grove. Picking up on our press release of the fact, Lordswood actually contacted us and offered us a spot in their programme as well as the opportunity to sponsor the game. A very nice gesture and if it wasn’t for an enforced change of plan we would have jumped at the chance. Good luck Lordswood and we hope to see you in the Preliminary round in a week or so.

Every year the Little Fullers enjoy an extended break with CMF’s family in the northern wastelands of Nottinghamshire. All sorts of excitement was on the cards such including a day out in Skegness (no comment) but this year it required an extended stay as CMF and I would be travelling over to New York for the wedding of one said Luge Pravda. So what has all this got to do with the FA Cup? Well absolutely nothing really, but I just thought I would say that we are going to New York. But what it did mean that I would be required to take the girls up north, and the easiest day to do so was on Extra-Preliminary Day.

But all was not lost – I was allowed to venture out to a game, so scanned the map to find one close by. A few came into contention – Long Eaton United, Heanor Town and Greenwood Meadows all tickled our interest, but the one that floated to the top was Lincoln Moorlands Railway FC versus Friar Lane & Epworth. Literally just a mile down the Newark Road from Northern Steve (who as timing would have it was up to his eyes in chips and gravy in Magaluf) lies the little home of The Moors, the Moorlands Sports and Social Club.

Formed after a merger between Lincoln Moorlands and Lincoln Railway FC in 2007 the club were promoted to the Northern Counties Eastern League Premier Division where they have played ever since. The original Moorlands club were formed in 1989 and can claim the Central Midlands Supreme League title to their name – surely a higher honour than any Premier League title?

And what about a word on the visitors? Friar Lane and Epworth were another club formed through a merger back in 2004 and play in the Midland Football Alliance. Their 55 mile trip up from Aylestone would have also been full of hopes and promises, aiming to match their best ever achievement of a place in the 2nd qualifying round of the competition.

Railway based gags had been Twittered around all week before we arrived at the ground with most of the UK under a heavy rain cloud. But him upstairs must have known this was a special day for these two clubs as the sun shone from the moment we pulled up in the car park to the time when we left some two hours later.

Lincoln Moorlands Railway FC 3 Friar Lane and Epworth 1 – Moorlands Sports and Social Club – Saturday 14th August

Any team that plays in claret and blue gets my vote and so it was an easy decision to “follow” Lincoln. The ground looked fantastic in the sunshine – a mixture of the old and the new – and that applied to the facilities and the fans. On one side a very old green stand with a few rows of seating sat mysteriously 3 or 4 metres from the side of the pitch, whilst on the other side a new stand was divided into Away support and Home support and directors – a blatant attempt to alienate the away team if ever I saw one.

Friar Lane need not have worried as their one fan never gave up his seat or the display of choreographed support all afternoon. You could see the Friar Lane tactics from the first minute. Hit the ball long and then hope when the ball came back, the keeper who was the size of a mini-bus (not quite in the Neil Shipperley or Darren Caskey “Size of a bus” category) would simply block the goal.

It worked for the first half an hour before he managed to get in the way of his own defenders from a corner and Lincoln’s Josh Cotton (no relation to Dot so we understand) scored the opening goal. Taking a child to football means you have to be prepared for them to pick up bad langauge.

Lolly has been coming to games for the past seven years and knows them all but yesterday she questioned the word that seemed to be uttered every few minutes by the players. When I say questioned she simply gave me a quizzical look. This means I have to give a “Daddy translation”. The word she had constantly heard was “Fook”. I explained it was a northern variation on another word, and just to confirm understanding she said, so if I said “book instead of buck I would get it”. Yep – she is learning fast.

We had a wander as you should always do at non-league grounds, having a chat with a couple of the locals, who seemed very proud of their modest club. Lolly devised a new game which we will be taking to Waddington’s this week – Ladybird Grand Prix, where ladybirds race round a track made of sticks. The key to a good race is to pick a female ladybird and numerous males as the former makes a run for it, and the latter simply chase her like some insect Benny Hill sketch. Surely one of them could remember they had wings?

Anyway I digress. Lincoln scored a second just before half time as friar Lane seemed to struggle to deal with set pieces and despite some half hearted shouts for offside, they trudged off into the newest building in the ground for their cup of tea. Both teams came out fired up for the second half. A Lincoln goal would kill the game, but likewise a Friar Lane reply would make it very interesting.

Apart from the sole Tifosi in the away section and a couple of blokes with Friar Lane and Epworth ties on there wasn’t many people backing the away team, but it was good to see that they had brought a long a mascot and decked him out in a Chelsea kit to support them and perhaps motivate them to think of Wembley.

But it was the home team who scored a third with fifteen minutes to go after a break down the right hand side was neatly turned in by Lincoln’s Peter Crouch-a-like Ben Good (in terms of height and not the fact he was jetting off to spend£10,000 a night on Spanish Hookers – allegedly). Game over surely? Friar Lane didn’t give up and got a consolation goal with ten minutes to go when a cross from the left was hammered into the net by the Friar Lane right sided midfielder Lyndon Seal.

A very interesting last ten minutes then ensued with Lincoln deciding attack was the best for of defence and could have had a penalty when Sean Cann seemed to be felled by Elliott Shilliam in the Friar Lane goal. The referee took one look at his rather portly linesman who was yards behind play and gave a goal kick and issued a yellow card for diving. Quite why Shilliam then started berating the official for his “lack of fitness” in keeping up with play is beyond me considering the goalkeeper was so voluptuous himself.

Full time and 3-1 to the home side and as the draw had already been made for the Preliminary Round they knew they would be heading to Glapwell of the Northern Premier League Division One South. For Friar Lane and Epworth the heartache of knowing that a trip to Wembley would have to wait another season was all to clear for the crowd of 61 to see. Still there is always next year.

More pictures from a great afternoon out can be found on our Flickr stream here.